


Long Roads and Longer Tomorrows

by MsBlam



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Grief/Mourning, It just takes some time to get there, Looks at what getting half your soul obliterated might do, Starts before Ichigo gets his powers back, Supernatural Elements, Yokai - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 35,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25594795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsBlam/pseuds/MsBlam
Summary: Ichigo looks down at the substitute Shinigami badge, the little skull blankly staring up at him. He’s held onto it for all these months, maybe out of hope, maybe because of something else he can’t name. Either way, it hasn’t done him any good. The river is near silent as it flows, only the occasional slap of water against the bank interrupts the silence. Ichigo thinks this is a fitting place to part with his little memento. The badge is resting flat on his palm.Ichigo doesn’t hesitate.He tips his hand and the little pentagon falls. It doesn’t hardly make a splash in the water. Without looking back Ichigo walks away.Up ahead in the trees a path opens.
Relationships: Hollow Ichigo | Zangetsu & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kurosaki Ichigo & Zangetsu
Comments: 353
Kudos: 616





	1. Quiet Steps Under Folded Paper

Betrayal is a bitter thing, and it makes you think. Aizen had to be stopped, that was a fact. It’s just Ichigo regrets that he was the one that had to do it.

He came to this realization as he heard Karin make some half-baked excuse to Goat Face as she was running out the door. To Uahara’s shop no doubt. Who thought it was a good idea to let kids fight? Why did Karin have to fight when there were countless Shinigami that who’s literal job it was to fight and protect spirits? Why did Ichigo have to fight?

It was a character flaw of his. He understands that now. The first to step forward and the last to step back. The Protector. Well look at him now. What was he now that he couldn’t protect?

Something different, something less.

Ichigo was bitter, and the bubbling rage was tearing him apart from the inside out. If this is what hollows felt like all the time –

It wouldn’t hurt so bad if only they hadn’t left him all alone.

And the only beings that would have stayed by his side no matter what, well, they had convinced Ichigo to throw Zangetsu away, hadn’t they?

Ichigo looks down at the substitute Shinigami badge, the little skull blankly staring up at him. He’s held onto it for all these months, maybe out of hope, maybe because of something else he can’t name. Either way, it hasn’t done him any good. The river is near silent as it flows, only the occasional slap of water against the bank interrupts the silence. Ichigo thinks this is a fitting place to part with his little memento. The badge if resting flat on his palm.

Ichigo doesn’t hesitate.

He tips his hand and the little pentagon falls. It doesn’t hardly make a splash in the water.

Without looking back Ichigo walks away.

It’s not a far walk to the cemetery, this time of night it’s silent, maybe if he had any reiatsu he would see some plus souls wandering around, maybe he would see hollows. As it was, he just saw countless graves. He walks by his mother’s grave, the stone is smooth under his fingers, but he doesn’t have any words for her. There is a hollow pit in his chest, he would laugh at the comparison if the description wasn’t so accurate. It feels like his heart is being strangled. He can imagine Ulquiorra’s clawed fingers mercilessly clenching tighter and tighter. Maybe Grimmjow’s instead. Rukia’s.

“What am I going to do now, Ka-san?”

Would she be proud of Ichigo? Would she feel sorry for him? Would she tell Ichigo that it was alright, that he had tried his best, given his all?

He gets no answer, he never will.

Near silent steps take him up the hill and into the woods, the trees old enough that only splotches of stars are visible through the branches. He stays on the path, takes his time, stops to pray at the little shrines. Ichigo wonders if there are such thinks as kami, or if it was just Shinigami and hollows all along. Someone is sitting under a tree ahead, the glowing cherry of a cigarette moving in the dark. Ichigo keeps his same relaxed pace. He can appreciate the need for quiet. As he approaches, Ichigo tips his head, for all the good it will do in the dark.

“Evening.” He greats.

“Evening.” The figure returns, it sounds like a woman, or maybe a teenaged boy, but Ichigo doesn’t much care for the specifics.

Ichigo keeps walking.

The path is a little less than two kilometers. The main trail loops around to the other side of the cemetery, with dead-end offshoots leading to benches or little shrines. Convenient, considering Ichigo isn’t interested in going home any time soon. He turns down one of the dead-end paths at random. The trees are thicker here, the canopy dense enough that it blocks the sky.

Ichigo hesitates.

He’s not one to be scared of the dark, but the darkness in front of him is so absolute he can’t make out the individual trees more than ten meters ahead. But no, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that could be waiting for him is some thug looking for his wallet. At this point Ichigo would probably have more fun than anything if that happened

Ichigo keeps walking.

The path under his feet is still paved uses it as his guide through the dark. It is a long path, longer than he expected, but it’s peaceful. The wind rustles the leaves in the trees and the air is cool without being chilly. It’s freeing in a way, to walk in the dark where no one can watch you. Not even the Shinigami can see in the dark. The hollows could, but Ichigo is as concerned with the hollows as they would be with a reiryoku-less human.

Up ahead there is there is someone else smoking.

Ichigo does slow his pace this time and comes to a stop a few meters before the person.

“Evening.” Ichigo greats.

“Evening.” The figure says, their voice is raspy, probably from the smoke and Ichigo can’t get much more information than ‘probably’ a woman.

“Do you know how long this path is? I thought it was a dead-end but it seems too long for that.” If it is going to take him halfway to the next town Ichigo will just go back the way he came.

“Not surprising, if it’s your first time walking it can seem to take forever. It just pops you out on the other side.” Is the reply, they take a drag of their cigarette and the flash of the charry cast gruesome shadows over their face.

“Thanks, have a good night.” Ichigo says in parting as he walks past the figure.

“Have a good night.” They return.

Ichigo walks a little faster. If it pops him out on the other side of the cemetery it will be a longer walk home than he was expecting, and as much as he dislikes being home, Ichigo can appreciate his bed. He doesn’t know how much time passes, but maybe it doesn’t matter. No one will be looking for him. No one will even notice he’s gone.

There is a square of light up ahead, and Ichigo slows his pace a little, savoring the last steps of quiet. The light seems to start right after a Torii. Ichigo must have passed under the other gate sometime walking in the dark. Ichigo stands at the threshold and takes a deep breath, all things considered, it had been a nice walk.

One step forward and the light makes Ichigo squint at the suddenness of it. He reaches up to shield his eyes and –

Fingers on cool bone.

Ichigo can’t breathe, can’t move. Hope more than terror making his hands tremble.

Slowly, delicately, reverently, he traces the edges, the dips and curves around his eye, the ridges of his teeth.

Ichigo lets out a cut off gasp, too afraid to breath in again and break the illusion. The bone under his fingers hingers open with his jaw.

“Zangetsu?” He whispers, begs.

There is no answer, yet somehow, someway, the mask under his fingers is real.

“Yokai-sama! Yokai-sama! Won’t you come in and have a rest? You must be weary from your travels!” Calls a voice, loud and sudden and jarring.

There is a woman across the street calling to him, her arm up in a wave, looking right at him.

Yokai?

Ichigo hesitates.

“You must try our Shirasu toped rice! Yokai-sama!” The woman calls. In her other hand she as a fan with a little design that matches the one above the entrance to the restaurant.

Ichigo hesitates.

“We have a discount for new patrons! It’s very generous!” She tries.

Automatically Ichigo’s free hand goes to his back pocket to check his wallet and freezes again. He’s wearing his Shihakusho.

What is going on?

“Yokai-sama!” The woman calls again.

Ichigo needs to think, he needs to sit down and think. He crosses the street, paying minimal attention to the other people milling around.

“Welcome welcome! Come in, have a seat!” the woman greats, ushering him into the restaurant. Dazed as he is, Ichigo takes note of the mask tied to the back of the woman’s head, it looks like an Okame mask from a play. He wonders about it as he tries to focus enough to follow the woman around the tables. She seats him in a booth near the back, and Ichigo gratefully slides into his seat.

His hand is still splayed over his mas. He’s too terrified to move his hand in case it disappears.

“We will be right over with your drinks Sir!” the Okame mask woman says leaving Ichigo to try and piece together what is happening to him.

“Zangetsu?” He pleads again, just a whisper of breath. Silence greats him again. Ichigo brings his other hand up to splay over the other half of his mask.

“Where are you? I know you'e still there.” He hoped, prayed.

The bone is cool under his fingers and doesn’t warm under the pressure of his fingers. Where it is pressed against his cheeks, forehead, jaw, and chin, it is a flat reassuring pressure. Before he hardly noticed the mask’s presence when he put it on, not giving it much thought beyond the advantage it gave him in battle, but now –

It was everything, every shred of hope, every _want_ he had in him, all narrowed down to the bone under his fingers.

_He misses Zangetsu so much._

Ichigo would do anything to change how things had ended. Not defeating Aizen, but maybe surviving Zangetsu.

“Your drink Sir! On the house!” A waitress interrupts, not the one that had seated him. She had – one eye? Situated above the bridge of her nose the coffee brown orb looked and moved like any other eye, it’s just there was only one of them. Well, it’s none of Ichigo’s business anyway.

“Thank you.” He says automatically not caring about the drink she sat down.

“Have you looked at the menu, Sir? Or would you like the kitchen to make something more specified.?” She asks

“Uh- the greater said something about Shirasu?”

“Excellent choice! We will have it right out. Let me know if you need anything.” She says as she takes his menu.

They must think he’s a psychopath, wearing a mask and clutching his face like this. Ichigo looks at the other patrons and has to look again. They are all – Strange, is the word he would use if he was being nice. He wasn’t the only masked one, and if anything, that was the calm end of the spectrum. There were people in elaborate kimonos and others in rags, and one woman in a - barrel? There must be a festival or play going on this side of the town.

Reassured that he doesn’t look like a crazy person, Ichigo takes one of his hands away from his mask and pats himself down, wondering if his wallet was somewhere. Or if he is going to have to wave the waitress down and cancel his order. It’s still there, thankfully, just in the front fold of his Shihakusho. He should have enough to cover his meal.

Ichigo doesn’t know what to think, doesn’t know where to go from here.

The din of the other patrons is loud, but secluded in his booth as he is, the noise seems far away. The restaurant is lit by lanterns and the warm glow casts pleasant hues of orange and red across the tables and people.

Had he been ejected from his body as he was walking in the dark? Was he a spirit wandering around? No that couldn’t be it, people could see him. Not to mention wouldn’t be able to leave his body in the first place, he had so little reiryoku he wouldn’t be able to _breath_ outside his body. No, it had to be something to do with the Torii. Was it a portal of some sort? Was Urahara toying with him?

Nothing made sense.

“Your Shirasu special, Sir!” The waitress announces breaking Ichigo away form his own mind.

She sets his tray down in front of him and gives a slight bow.

“Please let e know if I can get you anything else.” She says as she leaves.

“Thank you.” Ichigo returns automatically.

He is hungry, and the Shirasu looks fantastic on top of the rice. There is a side of some fort of sashimi and a dipping sauce. Reluctantly he slides his other hand off his mask as well and waits lungs frozen to see if the mask would stay. It did. With a sigh of relief, Ichigo turns his attention to his food.

“Thank you for the food.” He intones, chopsticks in hand.

Ichigo hesitates.

But the solution is clear.

He opens his mouth and shoves in a lump of rice and Shirasu. His mask hinges open with his jaw and he manages to get the food into his mouth without dropping any of it in the gap between bone and skin. Problem solved, Ichigo eats. The drink they gave him is something flowery and slightly alcoholic, not that Ichigo cares, free is free. The little cups are almost harder than the chopsticks unless Ichigo wants to cut his fingers on the teeth of his mask. It was easer to balance the rim of the cup on his sharp teeth and just knock the whole thing back in one go rather tan take sips. Unfortunately, Ichigo gets one of the little fish caught on the jagged edge of the mask’s teeth and has to pull it off with his fingers so that was a little gross, but not too bad. The food that falls in the gap between the mask and his face is as easy as snaking his tongue out as if he was trying to catch the juice from a ripe fruit. It’s – not awful eating this way? Annoying, but Ichigo wouldn’t chance pulling off his mask.

“Can I get you anything else, Sir? We have some lovely seasonal cakes, made fresh this evening.” His waitress offers when she swings back around to take his empty dishware.

“No, thank you, I’m ready for the bill.”

“Of course, I’ll be right back with your ticket.” She assures as she leaves.

Ichigo sits and stares into the more open area of the restaurant as he finishes his drink as he waits for the waitress to come back. He works his jaw open and shut wondering at why the jaws of the mask only opened sometimes and not others. Did it have to be intentional?

“Your ticket, Sir. You can pay at the front counter. Please come again!” The waitress replies as she comes back with his bill.

More settled than he had been when he walked in, Ichigo walked to the front and payed his bill at the counter.

Stepping out onto the street, Ichigo is confronted by the Torii across the road. It stands there, strange and foreboding. The path under the red beams is dark. He should go over and investigate, to try and figure out what exactly had happened, why after all this time his mask and Shinigami robes had appeared.

Ichigo turns and walks away instead.


	2. Useless Things are Useful Still

Ichigo liked to think that after Shinigami and hollows, being forcibly ejected from his body on a regular basis, after all of that, Ichigo liked to think that his belief in the supernatural was more than healthy.

And yet-

And yet the beachball sized, disembodied, _head_ that hopped down the sidewalk was enough to trigger some sort of seething disbelief in Ichigo’s gut.

_Yokai_

That’s what that woman had called him.

Once the possibility bloomed in his mind it was easy to connect the pieces, take in the world around him with new eyes. The masks, the strange clothing, the distorted proportions of the other people in the restaurant and out on the street. _Yokai_.

Ichigo can’t help but snort. It comes through his mask as a garbled hiss, and maybe that reflects the bubbling annoyance in his chest better.

_Of course. Of course, there is another world, more strange beings. Of course._

But his mask- the one piece of Zangetsu that he’s found in _months_ , it appeared in this place, wherever it is. That alone is enough for Ichigo to walk forward. It doesn’t explain why his mask appeared or his cloths changed, but this was _something_ after months of nothing, and it was his only hope now.

No one pays Ichigo any attention. No one stares at him, watching him form the corner of their eyes as he walks past. There are no whispered _‘Look at that hair, he must be some hooligan. His parents must be so embarrassed’_. Ichigo walks in the crowd and no one pays him any mind. It sends a thrill up his spine. They don’t know who he is, no sharp glances or knowing eye. _They didn’t know who he was_.

There is a weight gone that Ichigo hadn’t noticed before, the weight of the _knowing_. It’s –

He doesn’t have to stilt the grin that breaks out across his face, no one can see it. Ichigo taps his thumb twice against the jaw of his mask in thanks, as assurance too.

“Let’s go see what there is to see, Zangetsu.” 

Ichigo turns down a side street because why shouldn’t he? He had no destination, and therefore no wrong direction, the freedom just adds to the light feeling in his chest.

The buildings are a strange mix of old and new, traditional wood alongside finished concrete walls. Neon signs and wick lit lanterns hanging in tandem. It almost seemed ‘touristy’ if a yokai town could be called that. The shops are interesting and filled with knickknacks and novelties.

Ichigo idly steps into one that catches his eye. It’s all wood carvings, everything from decorative panels to children’s toys. He has to stop and admire the triple folding panel inlayed with what must be copper and brass. The lines are swirled into three scenes that would probably mean something to Ichigo if he was a better student. As it was, the middle panel featured a monk standing in front of a pagoda with a goose flying overhead. Beautiful but useless, a paper screen would work just as well.

Ichigo moves on to the littler pieces of woodwork. There were combs, tabaco trays, puzzle boxes. Ishida would love one of those, maybe he should- 

Ichigo shakes the unwanted though out of his head. Out of spite Ichigo picks up one of the little wooden toys at random, a little tiger with brass inlays for stripes, and buys it for himself instead. The little potato sized toy fits in the palm of his hand and Ichigo is disgustingly pleased with it. Its snarling face reminds him of Grimmjow. The thought of the espada is painful, but it stings less than the thought of Ishida ironically enough.

Grimmjow had never pretended to be anything other than what he was. Ichigo regrets not being able to keep his promise for a rematch. Had Grimmjow looked for him? Had he seen Ichigo blind and powerless, spiting at his feet in disgust before going back to Los Noches? That is the thought that stings the most, that Grimmjow would look at Ichigo and see nothing worth his time. The thought eats at him. How much _less_ he was now. Ichigo lets out a frustrated hiss and turns his attention outward as he steps back onto the street. He makes a sharp turn down an ally to distract himself from the annoying thoughts. An ally and block over the streets turning into something more familiar.

It’s not so different than Karakura’s night district. There are people drinking outside restaurants, drunken laughter barking out at random from the people out enjoying themselves. That the people were yokai, some so monstrous and distorted Ichigo had to turn his eyes away, well that didn’t seem to impair the yokai form having a good time.

Ichigo watches them, and some watch him in turn, but most are too preoccupied with their own enjoyment. For once Ichigo doesn’t feel like the most noticeable one on the street. There is enough of a crowd that Ichigo can simply meander along in the flow of yokai.

Cheering catches Ichigo’s attention. The noise is coming from the second floor of the building just ahead. The sliding screens are wide open and hazy light pours out along with the cheers. Ichigo makes his decision as the crowd takes him closer. There is no greeter and the entrance has a noren with the character ‘win’ printed on each flap. Just inside and to the right there is a door that says ‘staff only’ and a set of stairs to on the left. Ichigo’s arrival to the second floor goes unnoticed. The high ceilings are cloudy with smoke, dimming the paper lanterns and casting the crowd of yokai into muted colors. There is what looks like a bar just to his right and the edges of the room are lined with tables where some yokai are either drinking or smoking, but the center of attention is the middle of the room.

The majority of the yokai had their attention fixed on what looked like a pit. Walking closer Ichigo finally sees what they were cheering for.

Two yokai are fighting bellow. Both are bare handed and shirtless, mostly human looking. One has- a frog’s head? - sticking out of his own head, and the other has a giant mouth across his stomach. Ichigo disregards the strange additions as frog head lands a solid punch to mouth’s chin where his guard had dropped. The yokai lets mouth retreat instead of pressuring him further. Ichigo can’t help frown as frog head fails to push his advantage. Mouth gets his senses back and kicks out with his foot forcing frog head back a step. A quick follow up jab is enough to force frog head back another step and they both fall back and circle each other.

It’s an interesting fight, but annoying in a way. Even as Ichigo watches the two, he can’t help but pick out all their mistakes, all the little missteps where each of them could have made the finial move. Frog head is bad on footwork, indecisive too, and mouth is more aggressive but a weak guard.

Ichigo could do better.

He leaves before either fighter wins.

The night is winding down, the yokai collecting their drunk and downed companions and slowly dispersing. The bars and restaurants start turning off their signs and putting out their lanterns. Ichigo takes that as his que to head back.

The walk back to the Torii makes something writhe in his belly. Retracing his steps Ichigo ends up in front of the same restaurant, now closed. Looking up at the sign and actually paying attention this time, Ichigo blinks in surprise. What he had thought was just a lantern painted to look like an eyeball on fire was an actual flaming eyeball.

The eyeball looks down at him.

“We’re closed.” The eyeball says.

“Right, thank you.” Ichigo says looking away so he doesn’t seem like he’s staring.

The Torii is waiting.

The sky is growing lighter. Ichigo wonders if it would matter if he stayed here until the sun rose, until the sun set again.

But no-

He had to go back.

Mindful of his audience Ichigo makes his steps steady as he crosses the street.

The Torii is foreboding, the red painted pillars looking more ominous than anything. Ichigo can’t help but reach up and clamp his hand over his mask again. _He’s scared –_

“Don’t you dare disappear.” He demands. Ichigo doesn’t think he would be able to keeping walking if Zangetsu’s mask disappeared.

Nothing changes as he takes the step over the threshold. The mask is still cool under his fingers, he’s still in his shihakusho, the little tiger and his wallet are still in the front of his robes. Looking back at the Torii Ichigo can see the character painted on the wood.

‘Tianhei’ 

_Deepening dusk_

How appropriate for a ghost town.

Ichigo starts walking.

It doesn’t seem to take as long this time, and the lightening sky lets him make out the path ahead, dim as it is.

A familiar figure is ahead.

“Morning.” He greats as he walks by, something close to a smile twisting his lips.

“Morning.” The yokai returns. And a yokai is all that she could be. Ichigo was glad that he had assumed it was the dramatic lighting from her cigarette that had cast her face in such a gruesome picture last night. Here in the dim light their face is even more gruesome. The other Torii was just ahead, and again, the light from the rising sun seems to start just on the other side of the Torii. His fingers curl tighter around his mask.

If it disappears, he will just turn around and go back.

“Don’t leave me.” Ichigo pleads one last time as he lunges across the threshold.

The bone cutting into his fingers doesn’t disappear.

Ichigo lets a breathless little laugh and relief blooms hot in his chest.

Some part of him wants to feel ashamed at how much he _cares_. Kurosaki Ichigo isn’t supposed to be _desperate_. He’s not supposed to lose his breath in fear, his hands aren’t supposed to shake, he’s not supposed to waste time running his fingers over a hollow’s mask.

Kurosaki Ichigo is – A protector. Stoic and sure of himself, steady.

So what was he now that he wasn’t Ichigo?

Maybe it didn’t matter. Ichigo or not, scared or not, the mask was still here, Zangetsu was still here. Somewhere. That was enough.

Ichigo was in his street cloths again, surprising and not at the same time. His wallet was back in his back pocket and the little tiger was in his front. There was some sort of transitions in world between the gates, that was the only thing that made sense. Yet his mask hadn’t disappeared like his Shinigami cloths. Ichigo wasn’t sure the rules for this new game, wasn’t sure what the price would be this time, but Ichigo would return to Tianhei. For Zangetsu.

The path back is even more surreal this early in the morning than it was in the middle of the night. The ground is dappled in shimmering gold as the breeze travels through the branches. Ichigo lets out a yawn that makes his jaw pop and lets his teeth snap together just to hear the double _click click_ as they shut.

People will probably stare at him, think he is a freak, but that’s not so different from how most of the citizens of Karakura look at him anyway. They will probably just think he’s some otaku instead of a thug. And if his friends had questions about it, well, that would mean talking to Ichigo, and they clearly weren’t interested in that.

Up ahead someone is sitting under a tree.

Ichigo can’t help but bark out a laugh as he passes the same smoker he did at the very beginning of the night. He wonders if it is the same gruesome yokai from inside the gates.

“Morning.” He calls.

“Morning.” The figure says back, a hint of amusement in her own voice. She looks like a human, but Ichigo doesn’t believe for a second that she is.

Walking on there is a bubble of something painful and foreign in his chest. Ichigo is _excited_. He wants to go back to Tianhei, he wants to explore more of the little shops. Ichigo wants to find more of Zangetsu.

With one last reassuring that his mask is still there, Ichigo steps out of the trees.

The walk home isn’t as unbearable as it usually is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you to everyone that commented on last chapter! I really had no idea where to go from the end of last chapter but after reading the comments you guys left I had so many ideas! I have some big plot points figured out and a general idea of the issues/themes I want to explore, I just have to make it happen lol. I am pretty bad about updating but after everyone left such great comments I am really going to try my best to stick with this fic! This one's for you guys!


	3. Can You Even See Me Anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for symptoms of depression. Pretty vague, but just to be safe.

When Ichigo gets home no one else is in the house. It shouldn’t surprise him, and he stamps down the hurt. Ichigo doesn’t even know where they are, can only guess. He should be used to it by now.

The kitchen is quiet, the lights turned off except for the one over the stove, a warm yellow light turned haunting in the emptiness. The creek of the stairs is just as bad. Ichigo checks his phone where it sits on his nightstand, the plastic under his fingers warm from being plugged in.

No messages.

Same as usual.

But no- that wasn’t true. All he has to do is reach up and feel bone to know that. He reaches into his pocket and takes out his souvenir. He grins at its little snarling face.

“Grimmjow would hate this.” He declares as he sets the toy down on his nightstand. Ichigo wonders if Zangetsu thinks it is as funny as Ichigo does. His hollow would at least.

Glancing at the clock kills his amusement. He doesn’t have long before class. With a scowl he grabs a fresh set of cloths and heads to the shower. He catches sight of himself in the mirror and stops.

Zangetsu’s eyes stare back, amber on black behind bone and blood red.

He has to clench his eyes shut against the stinging in them. Has to swallow to try and breath past the lump in his throat. But again, no- after seven months the tears finally come. It makes him angry. He clenches his jaw and fights to keep his breathing even.

What is wrong with him? He should be happy, so why does he feel like he’s falling apart?

Ichigo turns on the shower and lets himself slide to the floor in the wedge between the tub and the wall. The cascade of noise drowning out hitched breaths. Face hidden in bent knees, Ichigo resigns himself to the tears.

He had missed Zangetsu _so much_ , both of them, and he hates himself for what he did.

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry – “ He can hardly get the words out past his own heaving breaths.

 _Pleasepleasepleaseplease_ he begs, fingers curling his hair into knots.

 _“Why are you crying?”_ is what he had asked Tensa. Now Ichigo understands why.

_I’m so alone_

Ichigo had been pretending, trying to fool himself and ignore what he had done to Zangetsu.

The day he had woken up Ichigo had pretended like nothing had happened. Said his goodbyes to Rukia like he would see her in a few days because he couldn’t _comprehend_ an existence where he wouldn’t. He had got up, gone to school and watched his friends drift farther and farther from him and pretended it wasn’t happening. Because without them Ichigo has nothing. Because by telling himself the yawning hole in his chest was just boredom, maybe he wouldn’t feel like he was dying all the time.

He hates them. Hates them for needing to be saved, and for leaving him after.

“You’re still here.” Ichigo chokes out, fingers letting go of his hair to hook into the eye sockets of his mask.

Ichigo has Zangetsu.

He couldn’t accept what happened. There was nothing after he had woken up, his reality was over, so he had pretended it wasn’t. But if Zangetsu was still here there is something after the end.

Ichigo can accept losing everything else, just as long as he has Zangetsu.

Calming his breathing and sitting back against the wall Ichigo stares up at the ceiling for a moment before pulling himself to his feet. Mechanically he goes through his morning routine. Showering with the mask is a pain, but hardly one worth mentioning, He washes his face as best he can, shoving the corner of the soapy rag into the gaps where the mask isn’t attached to his face and then lets the water rinse the suds away. Simple. The cold water helps calm the lingering heat around his eyes. This time when he catches sight of himself in the mirror it makes him grin.

It dims when he remembers he has to go to school. He doesn’t want to see anyone. Ichigo doesn’t want anyone to see him either. He doesn’t want to answer his friends questions about his mask, he doesn’t want to deal with the stares.

With another snarl he shakes the feeling out of his head.

“Let’s go.” He declares.

Grabbing his bag and trooping out of the house Ichigo ignore the silence. Out on the streets the normal rush of people is present. People going to work, making deliveries, other students.

Ichigo waits for the stares.

They don’t come.

Or, they do, but it’s the usual sharp glances and the quick look away. He passes by the two old women on the corner of Namuri street and they watch him with their usual wrinkled disapproval. He hears their usual condescending conversation. A man on his cellphone shoots Ichigo a dirty look as he almost runs into Ichigo like it’s his fault, but dismiss him just a quickly.

Does no one _see_?

Ichigo watches them and they watch Ichigo, but they don’t see him.

No matter how many people pass him on the street, none of them seem to notice his mask. Class has already started so he has to hop the gate, and he gets the usual yelling from the grounds keeper. Walking through the halls people glance at him from inside the classrooms, but none do a double take. He opens the door to his own classroom and every eye in the room turns to him. His heartbeat is loud in his ears.

Inoue gives him the same pained smile she’s looked at him with since he lost his powers, Ishida pushes up his glasses, his version of a reprimand for being late, Chad gives him a nod of greeting. Their eyes soon slip away just like always. No one seems notice.

Why does no one notice?

It makes something hurt and ugly curl in his chest.

“Slipping back to your bad habits, Kurosaki?” The teacher asks disapprovingly. Ichigo ducks his head and pretends like he is embarrassed. Class begins again but Ichigo can’t focus past the bewilderment, past the relieve. No one seems to notice something is deferent. Except Tatsuki.

She’s staring at him, head cocked to the side like she’s trying to figure out if he’s gotten a new hair cut or something.

His stomach drops in dread, but –

She doesn’t make a big fuss out of it, doesn’t get Inoue’s attention or look afraid.

A grin breaks out over his face and he gives her a sly wink like they are kids again and goofing off behind the teacher’s back. It makes her eyes widen in surprise and an answering grin stretches over her face. She still looks confused, glancing at him when the teacher isn’t looking. Just to mess with her Ichigo starts making dumb faces every time she looks over. He can’t help the smug grin after she looks over to see him with crossed eyes and triple chins and snorts so loud the entire class turns to look at her. She turns it into a cough, hand thumping on her chest dramatically.

“Arisawan-san, if you need to, you are excused to go get a drink of water.” Their teacher says kindly.

“No, sorry sensei.” She deflects pretending like she’s getting her breath back. She shoots Ichigo a dirty look and he grins back.

Which brings up the mystery of how Tatsuki can see his face under his mask. It couldn’t be made up of reiatsu, Tatsuki and everyone else would be able to see it. So what was it? He had been prepared to come to class and be assaulted by question about how he could possibly have his hollow mask when he was powerless.

His good mood doesn’t last.

What seems like half the class stiffens all of a sudden, Ishida, Inoue, and Chad all look in the same direction. A hollow. Of course.

“Ah! Sensei I have a stomach ache! I’m going to the nurse’s office!” Inoue announces, Ishida and Chad throwing out similar excuses as all three of them run out the door.

“Hey-! You three!” Their teacher hollers.

Ichigo hates this. He feels so useless. _Fragile._

Tatsuki stands up too.

“Me and Ichigo will make sure they arrive safely, Sensei!” She announces, shoving everything in her bag as she does. Well, if Tatsuki insists. Ichigo is a half-step behind her as they run out the door.

“Wait just a damn minuet!” Ichigo hears before he slides the door shut. Inoue, Ishida, and Chad are already long gone and Ichigo turns to Tatsuki in question. Her eyes are shining with amusement.

“Wanna skip?” She asks, shit eating grin spread across her face. Ichigo can’t help but laugh.

“Of course.”

Giggling like idiots they take the stairs down to the back door and cross the exercise yard. Hopping the fence is just as easy as it always is. Easer now that each of them can vault over it in a single bound. The first time they had skipped in primary they were both so short Ichigo had to boost Tatsuki up to the top and she had to hang half over the wall and pull him up. Their moms had been so mad when the teacher called them.

“Where do you want to go?” He asks swinging his bag back and forth idly.

“I’m broke, so not the arcade. The manga cafe?” She suggests as she straightens her shirt. That actually sounded really nice. He can’t remember the last time he caught up on the Jump magazines.

“Sounds good.” He announces. Tatsuki swings out her own bag and knocks his bag off course, dancing away when he tries to give her a flat tire in retaliation.

She keeps glancing at him.

“Do I have something on my face?” He asks. Ichigo thinks he’s pretty damn funny.

“No, something’s different with you thought. I can’t figure out what it is though.” Tatsuki muses. He almost asks if she is joking. Can she really not see it?

“Good deferent or bad different?” He asks instead. They turn the corner to a main street.

“Good different. Today was the first time I’ve seen you smile in months, Ichigo.”

He has to look away, suddenly ashamed.

“You’re just being dramatic.” He deflects. He doesn’t want to talk about this, he doesn’t want to think about this.

“No. I was worried, but I didn’t know how to help. Inoue told me a little about what happened, but I –“ She doesn’t finish, just shakes her head and turns her eyes to the street ahead.

“I guess I didn’t feel like it was my place to pry.” She says eventually.

Silence falls between them, but it’s not unbearable. Tatsuki seems like she’s lost in her own thoughts, and Ichigo is doing his best not to have any. They turn another corner and stop.

“That sucks.” Tatsuki observes. The manga cafe they usually go to is no longer there, in its place is a ramen stand.

“It hasn’t even been that long.” Ichigo says in puzzlement, ignoring his own lie.

They stand there for a moment. Ichigo reaches up to pretend like he’s scratching his cheek, the mask is reassuring under his fingers.

“Want some ramen? I’ll spot you the money.” He offers, letting his hand drop back to his side.

“Sure, I’ll get you back on Monday.” Tatsuki assures.

Guntang Ramen is pretty fantastic in Ichigo’s opinion. The service is fast and the counters aren’t sticky, it’s clearly a class above most places. It almost makes up for the fact that it replaced his favorite cafe. The first bite of his pork ramen makes his stomach twist in sudden hunger. He hadn’t eaten since last night in Tianhei. He has to push the thought away. It’s too much to think about right now, Ichigo doesn’t want to think. He just wants to enjoy his damn ramen. Tatsuki laughs when he gets a noodle hooked on one of his mask’s teeth.

“Did you forget how to use chopsticks?” She jokes watching him struggle. He wonders what she sees. He reaches over to steal her nori. She makes a disgruntled hiss even though she hates nori.

The stand is getting busier as it gets close to a normal lunchtime and they leave as soon as they finish their food. Ichigo stretches as they step out into the sun. The sky is filled with fat tuffs of white and the sky behind them is jewel blue. The clouds are moving fairly fast which probably means a front is moving in.

“What do you want to do now?” He asks Tatsuki.

“What to go hang out by the river?” She asks.

Ichigo feels like the question is a test. He doesn’t know what the right answer is.

“Sure, might as well enjoy the weather while it’s nice.” He assents.

It’s not a far walk, nothing really is in Karakura. Ichigo avoids the part of the river he usually does. He wonders if his badge had floated away in the current or if it had gotten stuck on something. Just waiting there for him. Either way, he doesn’t go look.

They situate themselves on the hill above the walking path, Tatsuki laying with her arms pillowed behind her head and Ichigo sitting up and leaning back with his hands braced in the grass. The quiet isn’t smothering like it usually is. There are kids playing on the other bank and people walking along the path below. The swallows flit overhead as they dive for the dragon flies.

“How are you, Ichigo?” Tatsuki asks, voice soft like it never is. Ichigo doesn’t answer. He wants to throw the question back in her face, or just brush it off, maybe lie.

But this is Tatsuki.

“I’m tired, Tatsu.”

He feels worn thin. He’s exhausted. Not just today but every day, and no matter how much sleep he gets he’s just more tired. His body aches all the time and he doesn’t know if it’s normal after Mugetsu or if there is something wrong with him, and maybe he doesn’t care. It seems like everything around him is sand just slipping through his fingers. The hope was more exhausting than all the rest, and he’s so _afraid_ that it’s all a joke. That none of it was real and it was all a dream. That Zangetsu is still gone and he’s still all alone.

She sits up, but Ichigo can’t look at her. Tatsuki reaches on her hand in a wordless offer, and after a moment Ichigo takes it. She doesn’t know how to help him, and Ichigo doesn’t know how to help himself, but her hand is warm in his and that means something at least.

Ichigo lays back in the grass and stares at the clouds, Tatsuki does the same.

It’s peaceful, everything distant enough to be calming, and the clouds are perfect. Ichigo lets himself relax as he traces the swirling shapes up above. He blinks –

And inhales in surprise. The sky is fiery red, orange bleeding into gold as the setting sun warps light around the clouds.

Tatsuki’s hand is still holding his and he looks over at her. She was looking at the sunset too, but when she turns to look at him, she gives him a blinding smile. Crooked and sincere, her eyes creasing with it. She looked like the girl that had wacked him in on the head with a wooden sword and made him cry all those years ago.

Ichigo can’t help but smile back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for leaving kudos and comments! It really makes my day and I love reading what you have to say! This was just kinda a fun chapter to move things along and deal with the emotional aspect of what it would be like to get a piece of yourself back after so long. I was sort of iffy on this chapter and how Ichigo kinda has the back and forth of the emotional extremes, but that was what it was like for me when I started to get my shit together, it was like I had all these new emotions that I didn't know how to deal with because I was so used to not feeling anything for so long, shit was wild. 
> 
> Also, spoilers for the Thousand Year Blood War arc, I completely spaced that there was the entire 'accepting they are both Zangetsu' thing in there. I was just like 'yeah, Tensa stabbed him and he literally fused body and soul with his sword, of course he accepts both of them as Zangetsu' and was writing with that assumption. I might address the other aspect of that arc later in the story but I haven't decided yet. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. The Path You've Walked So Often

Tatsuki and him part ways at the same intersection they used to when they were little and walked home together every day.

“See you tomorrow, Ichigo!” She yells, waving goodbye.

“See ya” He calls back.

The fiery red of the sunset is all but gone as more clouds blot out the fading light. A front overlapping the cool air of the valley pushing the clouds low to the ground. Ichigo feels like he could almost reach up and touch them. Once upon a time he could.

The street lights are just turning on when he gets to the house. His hand is on the doorknob but he can’t force himself to turn it. Warm light is flooding out of the front window, and he can hear Karin and Yuzu talking to their dad. They sound happy.

Ichigo takes a step back.

Without thinking anymore, he turns around and walks away. He tosses his school bag into the bush by the gate and doesn’t look back.

Ichigo walks down the street to the vending machines. He was planning on getting a snack to stave off the gnawing hunger in his belly, but his eye caches the cigarettes instead. An idea pops into his head. He picks at random, collecting his change he stuffs both in his pocket.

The walk to the cemetery is quiet, everyone with sense is already inside. The first raindrop forces him to pick up his pace. With a silent apology he bypasses the graves, keeping to the path. The lone figure sitting under a tree makes relief swoop hard in his gut. He slows his pace now that the trees are blocking the rain.

“Evening” He calls as he walks past.

“Evening” She returns.

Figuring he had nothing to lose Ichigo askes his question.

“Mind if I sit here?” He asks as he comes to a stop in front of her. Ichigo is glad that his mask covers his grimace as she takes a drag. Empty sockets and a half-rotted face regard him.

“Do as you’d like. Company on a rainy night isn’t such an awful idea.” She assents.

They sit in silence, the rain must be picking up because the only sound is the fat droplets as they finally make their way past the leaves. He watches the yokai out of the corner of his eye as she finishes her cigarette. Instead of snuffing it out on the ground something snakes out of her mouth and curls around the still lit butt. It retreats back into her mouth and Ichigo hears the hiss of the ember being put out. The faint smell of burning flesh makes his stomach twist in disgust. He swallows down his revulsion. It’s none of his business.

“A cigarette for a question.” Ichigo proposes, shaking one out of the pack and offering it to her.

“Ten for one question and I won’t give you a one-word answer.” She shoots back.

“Five for one question and I’ll bring you another pack if you tell me what I want to know.” He offers instead.

“Deal. What do you want to know on this fine evening?” She asks, taking the offered cigarette

Ichigo opens his mouth and then snaps it shut with a double _click click_. The yokai laughs at him.

“Smart boy, think carefully before you waste your questions.” She sticks the end of the cigarette in her eye socket, when she inhales it is awful and damp, it makes her eye socket glow as if she was fanning a coal. When she pulls out the cigarette it is lit and she takes a drag.

“Need a light? I won’t count it against you, it’s rude to smoke alone.” She offers holding out her hand for another. With a shrug Ichigo hands another over. She goes through the same process, and hands it back to Ichigo.

“Thanks” he says, still mildly disgusted about how it got lit.

Opening his mouths is the easy part, closing his lips around the cigarette results in him biting his own fingers. The cigarette goes tumbling out of his mouth and to the ground. The yokai catches it with her tongue before it hits the ground and places it between her fingers along with her own.

“Unfortunate, I suppose that’s why most yokai use kiseru.” She observes. Ichigo examines the jagged little divots of skin his teeth had left. Only one was bleeding thankfully, and it was small enough that he just wipes it on his pants and leaves it. 

“Have you thought of your questions?” The yokai asks.

Ichigo tries to imagine what Urahara would ask. The thought of the man makes him grimace.

“What are yokai?” he finally settles on. Ichigo looks away from the yokai and out into the darkness of the woods.

“Hmmm, good first question. But how to explain?” She muses, tapping a finger on her chin. Ichigo waits, he has nowhere to be. Except maybe Tianhei. He wanted to explore more of the strange town, but he would rather have answers to at least a few of his questions. Ichigo would like to say it’s peaceful. And maybe it is a little, the world has gone gray, no stars or moon to light the darkness under the trees. But the rain is relentless. It turns everything too cold and it’s a constant drone against the leaves above, only for the fat drops to fall off the trees when they become too heavy for the leaves to hold anymore. A drop hits his bent knee and he it makes annoyance twist in his chest. Like a fool Ichigo had left his umbrella in his school bag.

After a few more drags of her cigarette, the yokai speaks.

“Humans exist in separate worlds, the physical while they live, and the spiritual when they die. Yokai exist in both.” She explains. Ichigo cocks his head in confusion, at his expression she goes on.

“Yokai are those who would not die when their time came. Hate, sorrow, greed, fear. All these things bound us to the physical world, but once seen the dead cannot be unseen. Yokai are the ones who saw the endless abyss of the afterlife and refused to be taken.”

That sounded like –

“You’re a hollow?” He asks, trying to keep his voice from going up an octave in surprise. The yokai scoffs like he is stupid.

“I am _alive_. I live and I breath and I have a heart that beats in my chest. If I am cut down, I die. That was your second question.” She snips, still sounding insulted.

“Well then be clearer when you explain things.” He snips back. She makes a scoffing sound again and flicks ash at him.

“Rude, it’s not my fault you speak without thinking. This is your game, not mine.”

Ichigo huffs and sits back against the tree to think of his next question.

They both look over as the sound of footsteps echo down the path. A man is walking towards them. He’s middle aged, and dressed as if he just got out of the office. He doesn’t have an umbrella and his short hair is plastered to his head. As they watch he comes to a stop in front of them and pulls out a carton of cigarettes. Ichigo stares dumfounded while the yokai gets up and walks over to the man. He doesn’t look up at her approach. The man lights his cigarette, but before he can take a drag the yokai reaches out her fingers and pinches out the cherry.

The man makes an annoyed sound. He reaches for his lighter again, protecting it from the odd drops of rain. The yokai blows the flame out before he can light his cigarette. She does it again. The man makes a frustrated sound.

“Piece of trash.” He snarls throwing the cigarette away, she catches this one too and stickes it in her eye socket before adding it to her hand along with the other two. The man stalks away angerly and the yokai laughs as she walks back to the tree.

“Too easy!” She crows, retaking her seat.

“Why couldn’t he see you?” Ichigo asks, she holds out her hand and Ichigo hands over another cigarette despite the three she has lit in her hand.

“Because he wasn’t expecting to. If he was going to see us, he would have when he was walking this way, but he was so lost in his own world the thought that something else could be in the woods never even crossed his mind.”

Ichigo words his not question carefully.

“No one could see my mask.”

She hums in response and answers the unspoken question.

“They already know what you look like, why would they look again? The realm of yokai is the realm of perception. Of illusions and assumptions. If you don’t believe something exists, you will never even look for it.” Huotan explains, inhaling from the four cigarettes and exhaling a cloud of smoke so thick he can’t see her face as she speaks as if to prove her point.

“But why do I look like this?” His gut is twisting in knots wondering if this will finally give him some answer about Zangetsu.

“Illusions and assumptions. Maybe you’ve always looked like that.” Ichigo can hear the amusement in her words. He waves away the cloud with his hand so he can see her again.

“Stop talking around the answer.” Ichigo demands, he’s not interested in twisting words, he wants answers. She sighs like he ruined the punchline to her joke.

“How about this instead. The most convincing lies people believe are the ones they tell themselves. So, stop lying to yourself, Kurosaki Ichigo.” She flicks her cigarettes, the sparks glows orange as it they fall like little stars, dimming completely before they touch the ground. Something cold slithers up his spine. He’s on his feet and back a pace to get some distance in case she tries anything. No one nice ever knows his name without him introducing himself first. She doesn’t move from her spot.

“If you believe you are powerless how will you ever find the strength to raise from the dirt? If you believe you’ve lost something, you will not find it even if it right in front of your eyes.” She taps her cheek, rotten mouth twisted into a smile.

“How do you know me?” He snarls. She laughs at him.

“That’s one too many questions, but you can answer it yourself. Weren’t you paying attention?”

“Stop messing with me.” Ichigo hisses.

“What a blockhead. Do you think I just appeared here yesterday? I was always here, you were just too caught up in your own world to see me.” She Idly flicks her cigarettes.

“Or, should I say, you were too caught up in that Shinigami’s world.” The words are teasing, but something about them feels like a slap in the face. It brings him up short and all he can do is stare at the yokai.

It’s the first time he’s heard the word _Shinigami_ in months. It makes something loosen in his chest. No one ever says the word anymore. No one mentions it around Ichigo. They all act like it never existed at all. Ichigo knows it was all real, he _does_ –

But no one ever mentions it anymore. He had felt like he was going insane. Rukia, Urahara, Yoruichi, Ichigo hasn’t seen any of them, and every day that goes by Ichigo feels more and more like he had imagined it all, that none of it had happened. He didn’t even have the scars.

Ichigo tries to make his mouth work again, but the yokai beats him to it and speaks first.

“I think that’s enough for tonight, don’t you? Did I answer your questions well enough to earn that other carton when you come by again?” She asks, raising to her feet. She shoves the lit cigarettes into her mouth, wet chewing sounds mixed with the pop and sizzle of burnt flesh. Ichigo tenses but doesn’t move as she walks towards him. Taking a deep breath, he fishes out the pack of cigarettes and holds them out.

“Yeah, thank you. I’ll get you that other pack when I have the money.” He confirms.

A thousand other questions are behind his teeth, but he bites them back. He’d already gotten more information that he could have hoped for. He just needs to _understand_ it now.

“And thank you for the company, it gets lonely just sitting out here and ruining people’s smokes.” She returns, tucking the pack into her jacket. She turns to return to her seat, Ichigo turns to go, and then stops.

“Hey, what’s you name? Not as part of our game, but because I want to know.” Ichigo calls to her retreating back. She doesn’t turn to face him, but answers anyway.

“Huotan. Nice to meet you, Ichigo.”

Ichigo can’t help but smile.

“Nice to meet you, Huotan.”

With that Ichigo turns and walks away, retracing his steps from the night before. Turning down the same side path as before, he walks into the darkness without hesitating. Squinting Ichigo thinks he can make out the Torii, maybe? Something about the darkness seems like it’s shaped different than the shadows around it. Ichigo reaches out his hand as he walks past and is met with smooth wood.

The same yokai is up ahead, and this time his grin is huge.

“Evening, Huotan.” He greats.

“Evening, Ichigo.” She returns, more than a little amusement in her voice.

He’ll have to ask her how she gets from one place to another so fast, but just from one conversation, he can tell she will be as vague and roundabout in her explanation as she can be. Not an awful personality trait, but – His thoughts turn to Urahara again and the smile drops off his face. It’s not worth thinking about.

The next raindrop hits the crown of his head and he can feel it slide down his scalp. Ichigo doesn’t know if he’s ever hated something so small in all his life. He picks up the pace.

The transition from the pitch dark of the path to the warm glow of Tianhei’s streets is as abrupt as the first time, but it jars him less. Looking down at his shihakusho something like satisfaction twists in his gut. None of it was a dream. He clicks his teeth together.

“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to almost a double upload, the next chapter will be out in a day or so. Originally they were going to be one chapter, but then it got way longer than I expected and I decided to split them up.
> 
> So this is my explanation for yokai and how they fit into the Bleach universe. I kinda split yokai and kami into two different categorizes where yokai were human/created by humans and so they are very much rooted in the physical world with the limitations that come along with that. Whereas kami are the more elemental/powerful things. I wanted the story to be on the small scale where I could focus on the characters more than the action and the super cool powers, both of which I really like but don't feel like I write very well. Hopefully the explanation didn't disappoint!
> 
> Also one of you caught me last chapter with how I name things lol. I've studied Chinese for five ish years now so anytime I need a name for something it's my go to language lol. I'll start putting the characters in the notes so you can see what they are if you are interested. 火炭 are the characters for Huotan, it just means ember lol, I'm not very creative with the names lol but I like how they sound.
> 
> This story is turning out to be super long, but I have a lot of ideas and all the great comments from everyone really keep me motivated! The next chapter will be out soon!


	5. Abandoned to a Place You Cannot Find Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mild language and violence, not bad but just to be safe.

The greeter from the restaurant across the street waves at him.

“Yokai-san! It’s good to see you again!” She yells. Ichigo raises his hand in greeting but doesn’t cross the street. Besides the handful of change, he’s broke at the moment. His stomach growls at him but he’ll get over it. He can eat in the morning.

Ichigo would like to lie to himself and say he didn’t have a destination in mind, but he did. Agitation is crawling along his skin. Huotan’s words itch at him, the memory of his sisters laughing so freely without him itches at him, the damn _rain_ itches at him.

He takes the main streets this time. The shops are bigger, the restaurants more packed and the buildings decorated with more lanterns and signs than he’d seen in the alleys. The rain keeps the streets mostly clear, with most places having their windows and doors thrown open to compensate for the extra yokai packed inside. He takes a right at the big intersection and then cuts left at the next ally that looks familiar.

No one is on the street as he crosses, but going by the rowdy cheers the place is busy. Ichigo pushes past the noren, but instead of going up the stairs like he had the night before, he turns and knocks on the ‘staff only’ door.

It would be a lie if he said he’s only doing it to earn some money, so he takes Huotan’s advice. Ichigo is pissed, and beating the shit out of someone would feel good right about now.

The feeling isn’t new, it’s been simmering there for months, but now that there are other feelings besides the anger, it’s harder to ignore it.

The door opens.

“What do you want?” Asks a gruff voice. The yokai looks like what you’d expect from someone that worked at a fighting club. Big and scared, with a beard that was made out of miniature arms instead of hair. Fucking wild.

Ichigo ignores the arms.

“You pay your fighters by the match or by the win?” He asks, letting some of snark bleed into his voice. Predictably it makes the yokai snarl at him.

“By the win. We don’t pay shit fighters to lose. If pay for taking a beating is what you’re looking for, piss off.”

Ichigo can hear the mocking in the yokai’s voice, Ichigo smiles behind his mask.

“Naw, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t have to split the pay with any of your ‘shit fighters’.” Ichigo drawls back.

“We’ll see about that won’t we?” The yokai snarls, something like amusement sparks in his eyes.

Too easy.

The yokai leaves the door open and turns to walk down the hallway, the arms of his beard flexing in agitation, or maybe amusement, it was hard to say. Ichigo tries to ignore the way the little hands curl and ball into fists. The hallway is dark, lit only by a glass lantern hung on a hook in the wall. Typical. It wasn’t any different than the places Ichigo used to go in the human world.

The hallway ends and it opens to a mirror of the second floor. Most of the light floods in from the arena, the walls slatted to let the waiting fighters watch the match as well. Low ceilings, Ichigo could jump and reach the rafters, the ceiling itself extend a few feet beyond that. In the dim pools of light cast by the odd lamp, Ichigo can little yokai running back and forth along the beams.

“What’s your name?” The big yokai asks, leading Ichigo over to a walled off booth in the corner that must serve as the administrative part of the rink.

“Ichigo, don’t forget it.” He replies curtly. The yokai laughs.

“Funny, you don’t look like a dog, but you sure bark like one. I’m Laoban.” The yokai introduces, voice still mocking. Ichigo almost laughs at the misunderstanding. Yiqigou.

_Abandoned Dog_

What a step down form First Protector.

It’s with more than a little bitter amusement Ichigo signs his name like that on the paper the yokai at the booth hands him. The sheet of white paper over her face doesn’t flutter as she speaks, handing him a key as she does.

“Sign in and get a key for a locker, sign out and return the key to get payed. Matches are displayed on the other side of the booth.” She explains shortly. Ichigo nods in understanding, turning back to an impatient Laoban.

“Lockers are over there, wash room over there. Be ready when your match comes up or you get kicked. Kitchen is on the other side, so is the medic. Both cost money upfront. No tabs for new fighters.” Laoban points out each place shortly.

“Get ready, I’m putting you up the fight after next. We’ll see if you’re all bark and no bite.” Laoban says, picking up a wooden plaque with ‘Yiqi’ on it form another yokai in the booth with too long fingers and a too big smile. Laoban rounding the booth and Ichigo watches as he hangs the plaque up next to another. Going by the pattern Ichigo’s opponent is someone called Toda. 

Not wasting anymore time, Ichigo goes over to his locker to get ready. He strips down to his hakama, storing his top and wallet in the locker. Looking down at his bare knuckles, he tisks at himself for being thoughtless enough to forget something to wrap his hands with. A bell dings and Ichigo watches as two yokai exit the arena on opposite sides, one limping heavily and looking worse for the wear than the other. Laoban doesn’t call out the next fighters immediately, waiting for the announcer to work his magic on the crowd while the more practical side of things gets done. A light up in the side of the arena opens and closes, letting the light and noise flood down for just as second. A little teapot with the ‘win’ kanji painted on it runs along the rafters with a sheet of paper in hand and drops in into the top of the administrative booth.

“Sotan and Hatsu next!” Laoban barks form his place ringside. Two yokai rise from the benches set around the arena.

Ichigo doesn’t bother to sit down, but he watches the yokai on the benches out of the corner of his eyes. One of them near the end is restless, his leg bouncing up and down more anticipation than nervousness, he keeps glancing at Ichigo. He’s willing to bet that that’s Toda. He’s broader and heavier than Ichigo, probably taller too, though Ichigo can’t tell from him sitting down. Not bad chances for Ichigo, that the yokai has four arms might make it interesting.

Crossing his arms and settling in, Ichigo turns is attention to Sotan and Hatsu, not that he knows which is which. Watching their fight and from the one yesterday night he can take a guess at the average skill of the fighters here. Every place is different, with different regular fighters, but besides a few outliers they are usually all around the same skill. After all, it’s not as entertaining if it’s always the same matchups each night. The rink boss has to be able to mix and match the fighters and still keep it interesting for the gamblers upstairs.

Ichigo is going to win, there is no doubt about it, but the only question is how many hits Toda will get in with those arms of his before Ichigo does.

The fight is winding down and excitement blooms in Ichigo’s belly. Absently he reaches up and runs his thumb over the corner of his teeth to ground himself and keep his hands form shaking.

The bell rings again.

“Winner Hatsu!” Calls the announcer form somewhere above the arena. That same slot of light opens and closes again and the process repeats. 

“Toda, Ichigo!” Laoban barks again. He’s waves a hand at Ichigo and he follows the big yokai over to one side of the ring.

“Blunt force only, other than that, anything goes. Till unconscious, yield, or ref calls it.” He says before he pushes Ichigo into the ring. The light his harsh after the gloom, but Ichigo spots a little shelf hallway up the wall he hadn’t been able to see before. Three little yokai sit up there, one with the mallet to the bell, the other with what is probably the score card, and the last was the one shouting to the crowd above.

“Place your bets! Fan favorite Toda versus the newcomer Ichigo! Will we see an upset tonight? Or will another challenger be defeated by the yokai with four arms!” The little yokai hollers to the delight of the crowd above.

Ichigo puts the words out of his head, ignores the eyes on him and focuses on the yokai across from him. Taller like Ichigo thought, dark hair pulled back in a serviceable topknot to keep it out of reach, no obvious weak spots. No fresh injuries or bruises showing on his tanned skin. Top heavy, to be expected, but experienced at managing the disadvantage. The yokai waves at the crowd, his smile huge.

Toda was probably one of the better fighters, and it said something that Laoban had paired them up. What exactly it said was open for interpretation, either he wanted to knock Ichigo down a peg for his big talk or he have enough faith that he could put up enough of a fight to make it interesting, maybe even both.

They face each other.

The bell rings.

Ichigo makes the first move. A quick swipe to see how Toda reacts. Predictable he keeps the bottom set of arms close to himself for defense and his upper arms for offence. Predictable but practical with the shorter reach of the lower arms. Toda doesn’t let him retreat after his swipe and moves in. Giving ground to keep enough distance Toda can’t get easy body shots on him with his extra arms. Ichigo waits for him to lunge again and kicks at his knee to force him to shift his wight. Not as smooth as his guard is, Ichigo takes note of it.

Toda keeps moving in, and Ichigo keeps dancing back. Ichigo knows what Toda wants, and he’s really not interested in letting the yokai whale on his liver.

“You ever going to stop running away?” Toda mocks, giving Ichigo a mean smile as he tries to get in close again.

He doesn’t answer.

Ichigo lunges in and gets a good shot at the yokai’s face when his guard drops a little too low, but can’t follow it up with a jab from his other hand because he has to keep Toda’s lower set of arms from grabbing him around the middle. Ichigo skips back before Toda can get his bearings back, taking a pot shot at the yokai’s side as he does.

Toda doesn’t let him retreat, he lowers his head and runs at Ichigo, arms outstretched. Ichigo is too close to the edge of the arena to get out of the way before Toda catches him.

 _Aw fuck_ Ichigo laments to himself.

Ichigo meets him half way, pushing back the yokai with his own momentum so he can stay centered. Open as he is, Ichigo grabs Toda, which would be a perfectly fine place to be except for _all of the goddamned arms_. Ichigo gets his arms locked behind Toda’s head and pushes the yokai’s head down so Ichigo can knee him in the face, and the one he gets in is satisfying, but those arms fuck up his plan for the rest. Toda uses his weight to push Ichigo back, and it shifts Ichigo enough that Toda can get closer and grab Ichigo around the middle. With mutual snarls they start beating each other in earnest. Toda whaling on Ichigo’s gut and Ichigo slamming his elbow into Toda’s head.

Ichigo might be pissing blood for a week, but Toda isn’t going to remember this entire fight after Ichigo smashes it out of his head.

That doesn’t mean Ichigo doesn’t take the chance to break away form Toda when the yokai’s grip loosens for a second.

They circle each other.

Ichigo’s guard is hovering a little lower to protect his aching ribs, and that’s his mistake. Toda swipes a hand aiming for Ichigo’s face and Ichigo lunges back hard enough to call it a flinch.

Toda laughs at his reaction.

“Don’t want me putting a crack in that ugly mask of yours, do you?” He mocks. 

It rips a two-toned snarl out of Ichigo. 

Ichigo stomps at Toda’s knee forcing him back a step. Ichigo eats the two punches aimed at his already aching abdomen and kicks again, Toda is too committed to the punches and the sudden force against his leg forces him off balance _just_ enough to reel back a fraction too far as he recovers. Ichigo lunges at Toda, practically jumping into the yokai’s arms. They go toppling back, and the impact is enough to wind the yokai under him. It’s easy to trap the lower set of arms under his knees and start punching down. The first strike Toda is too slow to block and Ichigo has the satisfaction of feeling the crunch of cartilage under his knuckles. Ichigo aims his next punch at Toda’s teeth. The yokai tries to guard, but after the fifth punch, the yokai’s arms go limp, and after the sixth the announcer calls it. Toda has a few gaps in that smile of his.

“Which one of us is the ugly one now?” Ichigo hisses as he climbs off the dazed yokai. Toda gives a garbled laugh as he comes back to himself. Ichigo is a little impressed that he’s not choking on the blood frothing in his mouth.

“Hit a sore spot, did I?” He asks sitting up slowly, spitting a glob of spit and his teeth to the side.

“Not as sore of a spot as your face is going to be.” Ichigo spits back.

“True enough, good fight.” Toda says surprisingly good natured. It takes some of the sting from the insult away. Fair is fair.

“Good fight.” Ichigo acknowledges, holding out a hand to Toda. The yokai takes it, one hand wrapping around his and the other curling farther up his forearm. Ichigo hauls Toda up.

The noise from the crowd starts to bleed back into focus.

“– an incredible performance! What an upset! –“ Ichigo tunes it out again.

Toda slaps him on the shoulder.

“Let’s do this again, Ichigo.” Toda says with a bloody smile. A graceful loser, Ichigo can appreciate that over some trash talk during a fight.

“Sure, it was fun.” Ichigo returns laughing a little as he says it. Of course, Ichigo would find some idiot that loved to fight. It seemed to be a habit of his.

They exit the arena and Laoban is waiting for Ichigo, arms crossed over his chest, little arms of his beard crossed over themselves too. He gives Ichigo a once over.

“You making this a one-time deal or are you planning on becoming a familiar face around here?” He asks almost begrudgingly. It makes Ichigo smirk.

“I already promised Toda we’d fight again, I prefer one of us get paid at the end of it.”

Laoban laughs at the answer his arms uncrossing in waves as he does. One of the arms gives Ichigo a thumbs up.

“Go get cleaned up. I can’t put you out again tonight after that show. You got them all in a tizzy upstairs.”

Ichigo gives Laoban a thumbs up in return and does his best not to limp to the wash room. There is a barrel of Ice, small buckets, and rags next to the door. Convenient. He doesn’t bother going any further. He scoops ice into the bucket and grabs a rag before going back out. Like upstairs there are couches with tables around outside of the open room where the other facilities aren’t, and Ichigo heads to a free table to ice his aching middle. He’ll go grab some water after he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up. He can say from experience that none of his ribs are broken, but they are definitely cracked. Methodically Ichigo wraps the ice in the rag and moves it from ache to ache.

He watches the next fight and lets his mind go blank so he doesn’t have to think about the pain.

Someone sits down across from him and Ichigo’s eyes flick over. Around Toda’s eyes are already turning black thanks to the now set broken nose. The yokai has his own bucket of ice in hand, but also a plate, cups and a jug of something in the other three. He sets the plate down and pushes it so it’s in between them, a clear offer. He pours a glass for Ichigo, pushing it towards him, and then pours one for himself.

“When I win next time, you can treat me.” The yokai says, Ichigo grins.

“Big words.” Ichigo teases, but when they click glasses Ichigo makes sure his glass is lower than Toda’s in thanks.

The drink is something warm, almost like a broth, and it is gentle enough that it doesn’t twist Ichigo’s aching stomach when he drinks it. The plate is filled with mostly fruits and nuts along with some dried cubes of meat.

“Hey Ichigo” Toda calls. He smiling wide, a grape stuck in the gap where his canine and lateral used to be. It makes Ichigo’s hand slip and pour too much of his drink in his mouth. A mistake in his condition

“Piss off” Ichigo hisses good naturedly as he coughs out the liquid trying to make its home in his lungs. Toda laughs at him as he uses the edge of the rag to wipe off the inside of his mask where his tongue can’t reach.

Their humor trails off into something calmer, and Ichigo returns to watching the fights.

Ichigo doesn’t feel any burning need to move any time soon, and the couches are comfortable enough, so he settles in, propping himself in the corner of the couch to keep his ribs straight, one arm planted on the back of the couch so he can let his head rest on his hand. He’s thankful that his mask stays cool despite his half feverish skin. He runs his nail over his teeth as he watches, the hollow _tk tk tk_ strangely comforting.

Maybe relaxing so completely is ill advised, but Ichigo trusts Toda enough not to turn around and strangle him suddenly. Plus, it was probably still raining outside, and Ichigo had no where else to be at the moment.

When the plate is clean Toda looks up and makes eye contact with a yokai wearing an apron with the ‘win’ kanji stitched on the front and holds the plate up to it. Ichigo ignores the fact that the yokai with the apron is a bowling ball sized spider with a human face on its back. It grabs the plate with two of its too many arms and crawls away along the rafters. The retreating face winks at him.

Ichigo doesn’t look up again, just empties it out of his mind. He never saw it.

Ichigo pours them both more of the drink.

Fight after and Ichigo doesn’t think about anything at all. It’s the most at peace he’s been in a long time.

By the time the last fight wraps up Toda is snoring lightly and Ichigo isn’t far behind. The yokai has one set of arms crossed under his head as a pillow and the other crossed over his stomach. Ichigo envies his comfort, because predictably, his middle hurts even worse now.

Laoban is going around and putting out the lanterns, leaving a few lit, presumably so no one trips over something in and kills themselves. Upstairs is silent. A far few of the other yokai that had fought through the night were similarly sprawled out on the other couches.

He reaches over and grabs Toda’s closest elbow to get the yokai’s attention.

“Toda, I’m heading out.” Ichigo says softly. Toda makes a disgruntled sound, at being woken up or maybe at Ichigo’s words.

“Just sleep here, they don’t care.” The yokai grumbles. Ichigo swallows down the want in his throat.

“I have to get back.” He says instead of _okay_.

“Back where?” Toda asks turning a little to look at Ichigo more fully.

 _Home_ is on the tip of his tongue, but Ichigo can’t make himself spit the word out. Can’t lie to himself like that.

“I have things to do in the morning.” He says instead.

“Ew,” Toda informs him. It makes Ichigo smile a little. He sits up to leave and he has to hold back a hiss of pain.

He’s still half dressed and the thought of getting changed, checking out, and then walking all the way back to Katakura is _too much_.

Instead he eases himself back down and lays as flat as possible without pulling at his ribs.

Toda laughs softly at him, and Ichigo has to snort back.

Ichigo falls asleep to the quiet meter of countless yokai breathing in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter as promised! Like I said this one and the last one were going to be all in one but this part turned out so much longer I figured I should just split them. 
> 
> One of the themes I wanted to explore, part of what Huotan mentioned last chapter, was how twisted we get from the lies we tell ourselves. If you like to do something, why pretend like you don't? I don't think the fact that Ichigo likes to fight is shameful on his part, but in a lot of canon it seems like he thinks it is and lies to himself about liking to fight just for the sake of it. Originally Toda wasn't such a big character, I just imagined Ichigo going in and wiping the floor with everyone, but since both yokai and Ichigo are limited by the physical world and their bodies I figured it wouldn't be so different from two humans fighting it out. Not to say that some yokai don't have superhuman strength, just not all of them.
> 
> For the 'abandoned dog' thing, like I mentioned last chapter I study Chinese and Ichigo sounds like 'Yiqi Gou' as in 遗弃狗 or 'abandoned dog', and I thought I was pretty clever there lol. Fun fact, I was on a random name generator and it gave me the name Toda, but that also sounds like a Chinese word TuoDa, 托大, or to be self important and I thought that was funny too. 
> 
> Also if you want a hint for next chapter, I can say that Isshin will probably get involved and that's obviously not going to be a fun time for anyone.
> 
> Thank you to everyone for leaving kudos and comments! It makes my day and I love hearing what you think!


	6. Regret Can’t Fill Our Belly

“Clear out you lay-abouts! Piss off or start mopping!” Bellows a voice with the accompanying assault of sunlight fit to blind half the yokai in the room going by the assorted hisses and groans. It’s not Laoban, but his voice is just as loud as he starts barking orders.

Ichigo sits bolt upright, the sudden panic dulling the aching pain in his guts.

_Shit I’m going to be late again._

He fumbles to his feet, groping for where he put the key to his locker in his hakama. Looking over at Toda the yokai is just sitting up.

“I’ll be back tonight or tomorrow.” Ichigo says quickly before running over to the lockers and dragging his clothes and wallet out. One of his shoes tumbles out of his hand and a little yokai grabs it and tries to put it in their soapy bucket.

“Give that back!” Ichigo hisses, using his other shoe to beat the little devil back and retrieve his shoe.

He doesn’t bother getting dresses, just bundling everything in his arms before the determined cleaning staff can douse anything in water. He has to doge around both yokai that are half asleep and yokai brandishing mops and buckets like weapons on his way across the room. The yokai at the booth is the same from last night, a kiseru sticking out from behind the paper over her face as she goes through the rink’s paperwork. Ichigo slides the key over and signs out.

“Yen or bullion?” She asks.

“ – Uh yen.”

She slides him a little cloth bag with ‘win’ printed on it to him. Ichigo doesn’t pause to count it before he turns and beats feet out the door. The streets are empty as he jogs through the town. The sun is well above the horizon and a few yokai doing the same thing as the fighting club and cleaning while all their patrons were gone. It’s the first time he’s gone under the Torii while it was light out, and seeing the path he’s walked in the dark is surreal. There are little shrines dotted in the trees, some with statues that look too life like to dwell on. He doesn’t slow his pace.

Until he sees an unpaved path clearly branching off from the paved one. He stops at the intersection curiously. The path isn’t even that long, only maybe twenty meters, leading to a strangely normal open-topped well. The sides are simple wood. It looks familiar.

As is fast becoming his policy, Ichigo ignores it and keeps jogging. He’s not that stupid.

A hand is hanging form a branch up ahead and Ichigo ignores that too, veering to the side of the path so he doesn’t have to walk under it.

“Rude, did you think I was going to grab you?” Huotan calls making him stumble a step in surprise.

“Nice morning for a walk of shame.” She teases from above.

Glancing back, he sees her hidden and hanging as limply as a corpse in the branches, her long hair caught like ribbons fluttering in the morning breeze. It was almost beautiful.

She wiggles her fingers.

“That is horrifying.” Ichigo declares, ignoring her second comment even as his ears burn a little. He turns back to his jog. Huotan’s laugh follows him under the Torri. He’s back in his school uniform, but still shirtless and he pauses to get dressed and make sure everything is where it’s supposed to be. He tucks his earnings into his pocket before moving on. He sees the same hand up ahead, if Ichigo didn’t know any better it would almost seem like just an odd branch handing down.

Just to mess with her he swats her hand like he’s trying to kill a fly and laughs at her yelp of surprise.

“See ya!” He calls over his shoulder. 

With nothing but school to look forward to the pain in his ribs is harder to ignore, but at least the rain seems to have blown through, leaving everything shiny in the morning sun. At an intersection he looks down at himself in annoyance. He could have been ballsy and walked into school an hour and a half late without his bag. But the droplets of what are clearly blood splattered across of his thighs from when he was beating Toda’s face in might be a little too much.

Making a sound of annoyance he heads home. Two hours late it will be.

His bag isn’t in the bush where he tossed it last night and it makes guilt twist in his stomach. Had his sisters looked for him when he hadn’t come home? He fishes his key out of his wallet and opens the door. Quiet as always. Rounding the corner to the living room he stops.

Isshin is sitting on the couch.

“We couldn’t find you last night. We thought something happened.” Is what he says. The guilt twists in his gut again.

“Yeah, sorry for the trouble.” He apologizes. He would get Karin and Yuzu something cute form the shops and apologize to them.

Isshin’s watches Ichigo, and neither of them can pretend Isshin doesn’t see the bruises on his knuckles and the blood on his pants and not know what it’s from. The guilt tries to twist in his gut again but Ichigo stomps it down this time. Isshin is the last person that can ever complain about Ichigo fighting. Not now, not seven months ago, not three years ago, not ever.

“We were worried.” Isshin doesn’t make it a question, like he just expects Ichigo to tell him what he wants to know. Ichigo doesn’t want to do this right now. He hurts and he just wants to get clean cloths and go to class.

The silence is suffocating between them.

“Where were you?” Isshin asks after it’s clear Ichigo isn’t going to answer the not question.

“In town.” Ichigo answers curtly. Snarl rising to his face at the frown Isshin gives him.

“We thought something happened to you, Ichigo.” He says again like it matters.

“Something is always happening to me. Really warms my heart you decided to give a fuck this time.” The words come out mean.

Where had Isshin been when he was running around with Rukia and killing hollows at all hours of the night? Where was he when Ichigo threw himself into a world of monsters? Where was Isshin when Aizen had to be defeated? Because Ichigo doesn’t remember Isshin standing there beside him, and he sure as shit didn’t remember Isshin giving a single fuck when he came back half dead each time.

Isshin’s eyes flicker away from his just for a moment. It’s a bitter victory.

“Urahara couldn’t find you either.” He says like an excuse.

_Ah_

Isshin probably didn’t even notice Ichigo was gone. Urahara would come looking for Ichigo before his father did.

Ichigo loves his father. That’s why he turns away without answering.

Opening his door Ichigo stops again, a brittle smile twisting his lips.

His school bag is sitting on his bed. Not so strange, but the miniature Shinigami badge and note on top of it is. Ichigo picks up the note.

‘Worried that you lost your key and forgot to go home! This keychain might help! XoXoXo   
– Kisuke’

Ichigo snorts and then has to clench his jaw shut to keep a more pathetic noise from slipping out. The note smells faintly of sugared rice paper, it smells like the shop.

Carefully, ever so carefully, Ichigo folds the note back up and sets it on his nightstand. Picks up his entire bag and tips the keychain on top of the note so it doesn’t touch him. Not that it would matter, Urahara probably has a hundred other ways to track him, but –

Ichigo doesn’t want it.

He stares at the strange collection on the tabletop. The little tiger looks like it’s snarling at the keychain and note, how appropriate.

Ichigo grabs clean clothes and heads to the bathroom to complete his rushed mourning routine. He grimaces at his reflection in the mirror. Toda had worked him over, his skin blotchy and red from swelling and pooled blood both. He prods gently at the worst injury on his lower stomach. It was still raised, the skin feverish, which – wasn’t good. But there wasn’t much to be done unless he wanted to walk his ass back down stairs and have Isshin take a look at it, or if he wanted to walk back to Tianhei to have the medic at the rink look him over.

He catches a nose full of himself and grimaces. Huotan and her cigarettes.

The cold shower isn’t pleasant, but it gets rid of the smell. Making himself presentable he takes one last look at himself in the mirror. He puts some antiseptic on the little cuts Toda’s teeth had given him and a bandage on the deeper gouge. Looking up he clacks his jaws together just to see the mask open and shut. Horrifying.

_Beautiful_

Ichigo stares at himself.

Was it? This mask that made Inoue so afraid, was it beautiful?

Ichigo shakes the thought out of his head and goes back to his room. He checks phone and blinks in surprise.

‘Here’s the homework we missed, I got it from Keigo.’ With an attached picture of the pages they needed to complete.

Ichigo smiles a little, Tatsuki was ending up the better student of the two of them. She was going to laugh at him when she saw what a mess he was walking into class halfway through the day. Setting his phone back down and grabs his bag and then hesitates. If he’s already late, a little later won’t matter.

Ichigo goes over and digs in his closet, tossing out a backpack shoved in a corner and then digs for the box with all of his old workout gear. He’s outgrown the school jacket but the clothes aren’t what he’s looking for. He grabs the long bandages and wraps out of the box and his water bottle too. Shoving everything back down into the hole it had been in, Ichigo tosses his things on the bed and then grabs a spare set of cloths. He transfers both his school things and everything he had dug out of the closet into the backpack. His normal school bag wasn’t big enough for it. If the same thing as this morning happened, he could just get ready at the rink instead of having to come back here.

On a whim Ichigo grabs his little tiger and puts it in the bag too before trooping back downstairs.

Isshin is still sitting on the couch, Ichigo walks by without looking at him. He opens the door and is about to step out.

“Do you blame me?” comes the faint question.

Ichigo doesn’t turn back.

“No.”

_You can’t let anyone down if no one counts on you._

The door clicks shut behind him.

He stops and picks a few snacks and Huotan’s cigarettes from the vending machines on a corner and stuffs them in his bag. 

Ichigo skirts around the school’s fence so no one, specifically the grounds keeper, sees him hop it. His feet hit the ground hard and there is a _pinch_ -

Ichigo goes breathless, hand hovering over his gut fruitlessly. Not good. Gritting his teeth, there is the familiar swoop of fear, knowing that something important is broken and being helpless to fix it yourself.

Luckily Inoue wasn’t far away. Taking a deep breath, he makes his way to the classroom.

Ichigo walks into class and all eyes turn to him.

“Kurosaki! Late again! I will be calling your father about this!”

Ichigo sketches a quick bow of apology. It makes his side throb.

“Sorry sensei.” He apologizes with no real feeling behind it. It gets an annoyed huff out of the teacher.

Ichigo takes his seat gingerly and ignores all the eyes on him. Except Tatsuki.

She is wiggling her eyebrows, a huge smirk on her face. When she sees he’s looking she wiggles her fingers and looks down at his hands with that same smirk. _Did you win?_ He translates in his head. He smirks, his own eyebrows wiggling. _Of course._ He conveys back. She rubs her fingers together. _Did you get paid?_ Ichigo’s smirk turns smug. _Of course._

“Kurosaki! Stop disrupting class!” The teacher hollers, his voice cracking in anger.

“Sorry sensei.” He apologizes again, even less feeling in the words that before. Ichigo ignores everything else the man says, leaning his head on his hand and staring outside. Now that the adrenaline form rushing to class had worn off his middle was aching even worse. Nausea is crawling at the pit of his stomach and it makes him frown harder.

He’ll ask Inoue to heal him at lunch.

When his eyes start to feel heavy, he doesn’t fight them too hard. He wakes up in snatches, when someone scoots their chair up, a cough, a pen falling to the floor.

The lunch bell rings and Ichigo peels his eyes open more fully. After being still for so long, the pain in his side is less hot, and pushing on it gently doesn’t make him wince as hard. Tatsuki is already in the chair in front of him.

“Did ya get your ass beat so bad you had to stay home?” She ribs sarcastically. Ichigo smirks.

“Hardly! Punched his teeth in and took all his money!” Ichigo drawls back.

“Oh yeah? He must have been pretty weak to get kicked around by you.” She returns. Rolling his eyes as Tatsuki starts demanding the details of the fight. Ichigo obediently retells it with a few tweaks here and there. Ichigo watches the rest of the class out of the corner of his eye. Watches his friends. They sneak glances at him, but they don’t come over. Ichigo pushes the disappointment out of his head and focuses back on Tatsuki.

“You have a competition soon, right?” He asks when his own story ends. It gets a huge smile from Tatsuki, and she launches into the what’s what of her bracket. It’s nice talking with her. Simple. And he would rather sit here and talk with Tatsuki than bridge the ten feet gap between the others and himself.

The nausea is mostly gone now, and Ichigo pulls out a package of sweet rolls, handing one to Tatsuki and eating the other himself. Keigo comes over to bother them, Mizuiro trailing after him, and the discussion turns to the other clubs at school and the fall festival coming up in September.

It’s the best lunch he’s had in a long time.

After the teacher browbeats them back into their seats, Ichigo doesn’t even pretend to be paying attention anymore and just puts his head down and closes his eyes. Ichigo is _tired_. He’s already sat his exams, what does it matter if he gets a bad participation report?

Sleeping in class makes time feel strange, passing slowly and then seaming to fold in on itself and jumping forward suddenly. Ichigo doesn’t care much either way, the longer he lets his side rest the less it aches. By the final bell his stomach is growling in hunger and Ichigo takes it as a good sign but – in the back of his mind he knows bodies don’t recover that quickly. Reaching down to press his palm against the spot, it is cool to the touch. Not less hot, cool. He swallows thickly and doesn’t think anymore. Ichigo grabs his bag and mills out with the rest of the student. Tatsuki bumps him gently with her bag as they walk.

“Take it easy, you might have won, but that guy did a number on you.” She tells him as they part in the hallway, him heading home and her to practice.

“Yeah, see you, Tatsu.” He calls. He must have been favoring his side more than he realized.

Ichigo walks along the river rather than on the streets to get to his destination. The cemetery isn’t busy on a weekday.

“Hi Ka-san.” He greats, running his fingers gently over the stone. He doesn’t have much else to say besides that. He doubts she would want to know about his fight. She would probably just scold him for getting hurt again.

He circles around the headstone and sits down back to back with it. Swallowing thickly, he untucks his shirt to look at his injury. His heartbeat is loud in his ears as he runs his fingers over the bone white skin where the swelling used to be. Ichigo squeezes his eyes shut before opening them again.

“I guess it was a little worse than I thought, huh? Sorry for the trouble” If his voice wavers, no one hears it but him.

_How can you still care about me after what I did?_

The white shatters out from the area, snaking under his skin in the pattern of veins. It looks like he was injected with paint, like he was infected with something. Maybe Ichigo should be scared. All he does is curl up and lay down, his backpack under his head as a pillow. The tiredness is still dragging at him and he doesn’t fight it.

If he needs sleep for Zangetsu to fix what’s wrong, then he’ll sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big news! I finally have the story sketched out in my head! I say that being like 15k words in lol. I was sitting there trying to figure out how to stitch everything together and was like 'Shit I gotta think of an ending' and I have! It's like forever and a day away though, this is going to be a long af story lol After the next few chapters it's going to go from focusing on Ichigo and him getting his shit, if not together, than at least sorted into buckets lol and then it's going to turn to a more goal oriented story of him actively doing something to get Zangetsu back. 
> 
> I wanted to thank everyone that has left comments and kudos, it has really helped me stay motivated and get this far into the story. Everyone and their comments have been great. I start graduate school next week so the uploads will slow down significantly, but I am committed to finishing this story. Both for you guys, but also for myself. This is the first fic that I have really stuck with and I owe it to myself to finish what I started. It's really good practice for writing longer stories and being able to work on story structure. Thank you again!


	7. My World is a One-Way Mirror

Ichigo jerks awake, heart beating fast.

There is no one around.

It’s almost dark now, a gradient of dark orange stubbornly hanging onto the horizon. Lightning bugs lazily flashing in the warm evening air.

Huffing in annoyance he sits up carefully. He’s sore, his ribs still ache, but the pain in his lower gut only feels like a half-healed bruise. He lifts his shirt again. The white patch of skin hasn’t gotten any bigger, and pressing around the area isn’t painful, just tender. Ichigo runs his fingers over the cool skin one more time before letting his shirt drop and climbing to his feet. One side of him felt slightly damp form laying on the ground, and he has to brush bits of grass off of himself.

His stomach growls at him. It’s obscenely loud in the cricket quiet cemetery.

“That’s my que, bye Ka-san.” He can almost hear her laughing at him, teasing him that the monster in his belly was going to eat him if he didn’t feed it first. He snorts to himself as he walks away.

Huotan is in her usual spot.

“Evening.” He calls.

“Evening.” She returns.

Ichigo plops himself down next to her, careful of his aching ribs. Reaching in his bag he hands her the carton of cigarettes.

“Why, thank you.” She says shaking out a cigarette and sticking it in her eye socket.

“Did you have fun in Tianhei?” He can hear the amusement in her words, remembering her comment from the morning his ears heat up.

“No! It’s not like that, I was fighting.” He defends.

“Did you have fun?” She asks again, voice even more amused than before. Ichigo rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, it was a good fight.” He relents.

“What rink did you go to?”

“Uh – They had the ‘win’ kanji on everything?” He hedges, realizing he never actually got the name of the place, or that there was more than one rink.

“Tushou then. There is another rink on the other side of down that uses weapons. Wuqi, I think it was called.”

“Huh,” he acknowledges, the absence of Zangetsu at his back suddenly jarring.

It’s quiet, only the crickets and Huotan’s occasional wet chewing. His stomach growls but he ignores it for now. Once it gets a little later he will go.

Huotan’s whacks him on the arm.

“Wa- “

“Something’s coming. Pretend like you are smoking.” She hisses quietly, pushing her fresh lit cigarette into his hand. Ichigo watches as she pulls out another for herself. She reaches into her pocket and brings out a lighter, the flint wheel making that unmistakable sound when she lights it. 

Shrugging he opens his mouths and sticks the cigarette in, straining not to close the masks teeth and he inhales the smoke. Like raising you only your middle finger, hard to get the hang of but not imposable. 

Then Ichigo hears it. The _skr-clack_ of geta on stone.

He locks his head into place so doesn’t turn to look. He exhales, blowing it away from Huotan and using it as an excuse to look in the direction of the approaching noise.

No one is there.

He flicks his cigarette and goes back to staring straight ahead. The sound gets closer. Ichigo closes his eyes, so he doesn’t have to see the emptiness in front of him. His heartbeat is almost louder than the clack of the geta. The sound gets closer and closer, but Ichigo knows if he opens his eyes he won’t see anything.

The sound stops on the path in front of them. Ichigo takes another drag of the cigarette.

Why is he shaking? He knows who it is.

Footsteps walk closer to them, stop in front of Ichigo. He can’t help it, Ichigo opens his eyes.

Nothing.

He clenches his eyes shut again, tips his head back to rest on the tree and doesn’t move again. Doesn’t care that the ash falls onto his fingers and burns them, doesn’t care about anything. If Urahara says anything it’s quieter than the evening breeze.

He listens as the geta move away and thinks of nothing at all.

Huotan reaches over and takes the cigarette out of his hand.

It’s silent for a long time.

“Do you want to know what he said?” She asks quietly.

_No_

“Yes.” He says hoarsely, still not opening his eyes.

“Your face is so sad, Kurosaki-san. It really – breaks my heart.” Huotan says, quieter than before.

Ichigo can see Urahara in his mind’s eye, crouching in front of Ichigo, eyes shadowed by that stupid hat. Voice somber like it only ever was sometimes.

_I really miss him._

And maybe that was Ichigo’s fault. He could go by the shop anytime and Urahara would be there. Be wearing a gigai so Ichigo could see him.

Ichigo could go visit, but what would be the point? What did they have to talk about? Now that Ichigo was powerless, what was the use of him?

Not completely powerless.

“I could hear his shoes.” He says, his voice seeming to get lost in the air.

“Yokai walk in two worlds, Tianhei is the same. The power there is probably starting to affect you.” Huotan offers. Ichigo snorts at the irony.

The last of the light fades but Ichigo can’t find it in himself to get up. Hunger is gnawing at his belly but he ignores it. Huotan speaks after a while.

“There was a tiger that would sit on a stone and dive into a lake every day. A hundred times a day, and a hundred more at night. He was relentless. Everyone that watched thought he must be trying to catch something in the water. Fishermen went out in their boats to cast their nets in the hopes they would be the one to catch what the tiger was hunting.” She flicks her cigarette.

“The tiger never stopped, he didn’t hunt, he didn’t sleep, he just sat on his rock and kept diving into the lake again and again. One day the tiger dove into the water and he didn’t climb out. When the fishermen went over to the rock and looked into the water, the only thing they saw was their own reflection.”

Ichigo sighs tiredly. Thunking his head against the tree, looks over at Huotan.

“So it was pointless, and it died because it was too stupid to realize it was just chasing its own reflection.” Ichigo summarizes.

“Do you think? I don’t really know if it mattered how many times the tiger jumped into the water.”

Ichigo sighs again.

“If you want to tell me something, Huotan, just tell me.” He demands tiredly.

“What I’m telling you is the tiger didn’t need to jump into the water at all, it already had what it was trying to catch.”

“It was pointless.” Ichigo summarizes again.

Huotan stands up, brushing off her clothes and popping her cigarette in her mouth, swallows it without chewing.

“Go eat something, Ichigo.” She says walking away. Ichigo watches her disappear around the bend in the path, wonders where yokai go in the human world.

_I’m not a tiger._

Ichigo eventually hauls himself to his feet. Resolving to get back to the house in the morning so he can see Karin and Yuzu before they leave for school, he figures he won’t need his spare set of clothes. He looks up in the branches of Huotan’s tree and figures she won’t mind him leaving his bag overnight. Using one of the lower branches he pulls himself high enough he can hook the strap of his bag over a knob on one of the branches. His ribs only twinge a little.

The path isn’t as dark tonight. The moon overhead probably bright enough to illuminate everything to dark gray under the canopy of trees. He reaches out and lets his fingers trial over the Torii as he walks by. He knew she wouldn’t be there, but not seeing Huotan up ahead makes him feel a little lonely. Ichigo keeps his eyes to the path, remembering all the statues he had seen in the light of morning. Against all his common sense, he comes to a halt at that same little intersection that leads to the well.

The weight of eyes on him is unsettling. The hollow _ta ta ta_ of nails on wood.

_Fuck that_.

He absolutely does not look over. In fact, some may call his sudden bout of speed ‘running away’, Ichigo would call it ‘smart’. He practically vaults over the threshold of the Torii. He’s already waving at the greeter before she even starts yelling to him.

“Yokai-san! Welcome back!”

Whatever is in the woods can stay there.

Ichigo lets himself be herded into the restaurant, not even mildly surprised when the Okame mask she wears on the back of her head smiles at him with a very human face. She gives him a booth in the back again, and the server is the same as before too, her one eye creasing as she smiles at him.

“Welcome back! What will you have today?” They didn’t give him a menu.

“Uh- Give me the uh – the house special?” He guesses.

“Sure! We’ll have it right out.”

The restaurant is the same as it was before, the vaulted ceilings seeming to capture the clatter from below and create a cloud of white noise. Looking out at the yokai it’s hard to imagine how he couldn’t see what they were before, but the strange illusion false perceptions created was something Ichigo had experienced himself, from both sides of the coin.

Ichigo smiles at the serve as she drops off his drink. A teapot, cup, and thermos filled with hot water. She pours the water from the thermos into the teapot and retreats again. Resting his head on his hand, Ichigo waits for his tea to seep. Absently he ghosts one finger over the bone of his mask. Back and forth, smooth bone under the calloused pad of his finger.

_Can you hear me, Zangetsu?_

But Ichigo suspects the answer. Even with the mask, even with the injury on his side healing, that place in the center of his chest is deathly quiet. No steel strong resolve centering Ichigo, no bubbling anger to jeer him on, nothing. And Ichigo is too afraid to try and fall into his soul’s world to check. Zangetsu would be disappointed in him.

_You would want me to know, wouldn’t you? Even if the answer broke me._

The waitress comes back with his meal.

“Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Yeah, thank you.” He replies, not really giving anything much attention.

The house special turns out to be fried jiaozi with a sweet cold noodle dish on the side.

“Thank you for the food.” He intones before mixing his dipping sauce from the condiment tray and digging in. After the first bite the gnawing in his belly seems to rush back full force. Ichigo is a little proud of himself when he doesn’t drop the jiaozi his sauce and get it all over his clothes even once. But what he did not think about is what a pain in the ass chili oil would be with his mask. With a huff of annoyance he spends an embarrassing about of time wiping his mouth off after he finishes his meal. He takes the ticket from the waitress and goes up to pay. The familiarity of it is comforting. Being able to go to a restaurant and eat a meal was so _normal_. He enjoyed it.

Stepping out of the restaurant, Ichigo feels better than he had when he walked in. His ribs only tinge a little, his belly was full, and he had enough money left to buy gifts for Yuzu and Karin.

He walks the streets, resolving to get lost for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of Ichigo being a sad boy. Mostly this chapter and the next is setting things up to start moving forward faster in the ones after that. I would say after the next five ish everything is set up, with the last two being some major plot points that spring the rest of the story off. I'm taking it slow bc I want to set everything up so nothing seems to just come out of no where in the later chapters. I want people to be able to guess what is going to happen without it seeming like I'm spoon feeding the information. I'm really excited to see what you guys think!  
> Also last chapter when I said I figured everything out, I was a dirty rat liar bc after I said that I decided I really didn't like what I had come up with and decided to do something else entirely lol. I like what I have planed now a lot better. The other thing was something to do with Ichigo going to soul society and trying to get something back form Kurotsuch Mayuri and ending up getting captured and blah blah blah. I really didn't like how dramatic the shift in tone of that would be and I didn't like how it would limit the setting of the story and the characters. Also with that being the setting it shoehorns Ichigo into the same tropes as in canon with some of the same characters and I would rather do something besides that. Also I usually read fics on mobile so I write with that format in my mind by default, sorry if it comes out wonky on desktop.  
> Thank you to everyone and their comments and kudos! It makes my day!


	8. These Frivolous Nothings at the Foot of My Destruction

He goes by Tushou first because Toda seems like the type that would bitch and moan if Ichigo didn’t show up and let him know Ichigo wasn’t planning on fighting tonight.

“Hey! Ichi!” A drunken voice yells from the second floor. Looking up it’s Toda, because apparently Ichigo only make friends with loud idiots. Rolling his eyes Ichigo climbs the steps and makes his way over to the yokai. Toda is parked on the rails overlooking the street bellow, eyes even more black than yesterday, jug of something probably alcoholic in one hand. He waves at Ichigo with the other three.

“Ichi! I almost thought you weren’t real! Here one day and gone the next!” Toda greats, Ichigo snorts, but can’t help the grin stretching across his face.

“You only wish. Been hitting the bottle a little hard?” Ichigo jokes, copying Toda and leaning against the railing and looking out on the town. Most of the buildings are only one story, and only a few more than two. Frowning Ichigo spots a pagoda he hadn’t noticed before. Frowning harder Ichigo tries to remember if he’s been to that part of town yet. It glowed, and even from across town it towers over the surrounding buildings

“Naw, just taking a night off.” He says casually, Ichigo snorts at him.

“I wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would I?” He ribs, it gets a laugh out of Toda.

“Maybe, and what about you? You looked like an old man hobbling out of the rink.” Toda ribs back. Ichigo’s mind flashes to the white patch of skin.

“Yeah, you put the hurt on me.” Ichigo assents with a grin. His eyes catch on the pagoda again.

“What’s that?” He asks as he points at the structure. Toda looks and his face seems to light up.

“That’s Two Tigers Pagoda! Have you been there yet?” Toda asks, but not waiting for an answer before he starts pushing Ichigo towards the door.

_Tigers again_

Ichigo lets himself be herded down the stairs and out onto the streets. Toda has clearly decided they were going on a walk.

“I have shopping to do, so let’s walk by the shops.” Ichigo warns. Toda smiles wider.

“Great idea! What are you looking for?” He asks, pushing Ichigo forward, drumming two of his hands on Ichigo’s shoulders before cuffing him over the head playfully. Ichigo hisses in mock indignation, darting his foot out to kick the bottom of Toda’s shoe as he’s taking a step. Toda stumbles a little and laughs. Ichigo snorts and walks after him.

“Something for my sisters.” He answers after they both settle down. Toda cocks his head to the side.

“Blood related?” He asks curiously.

“Yeah, they are twins.” Ichigo confirms looking at the shops they are passing by. Yuzu would probably want something cute to put on the shelf in her room, or maybe some stationary. Karin would like one of those poetry books she denies liking.

“Huh.” Toda says, something in his voice makes Ichigo look over. The yokai is still looking at him strangely.

“What?” Ichigo demands. Toda shakes his head going back to looking in the shops too.

“Nothing, it’s just wired for yokai to have blood siblings.” Toda explains.

“Huh.” Ichigo says in turn.

Then his mind halts for a second.

_I’m not a yokai._

He shakes the misunderstanding out of his head. It’s not like Ichigo actually knows what he is anyway. Not a Shinigami anymore at least.

They walk along the main streets, meandering in the general direction of the pagoda. This early in the night there are more yokai on the streets, shopping themselves, just out for a stroll, sitting at the little tables outside the restaurants and drinking. The mix of lanternlight and neon casts the world into gold hues that shimmer down and turn the buildings and the yokai themselves into a painting.

“Have they ever done calligraphy?” Toda asks coming to a halt in front of a cart packed with brushes and stone blanks. Ichigo cocks his head to the side and considers it.

“No, but I think they’d like it.”

Yuzu was always high-strung after school, and taking care of the housework didn’t help. It might be a good way for her to unwind. And Karin could use it as an excuse to hang some of her favorite poems up in her room and around the house.

He browses the starter kits they have, grabs the one with three brushes, a grinding stone, and an ink stick. The box itself has a little lip that pops up to act as a brush stand so the wet brushes don’t roll away. Looking at the prices he frowns a little.

“I’ll buy two and two pads of paper for 3,500 yen.” Ichigo offers.

“That’s far too low, I can’t take less than 4,000.” The yokai that owned the stand returns walking closer from where it was respectfully hovering. It’s voice is apologetic despite Ichigo knowing damn well it would haggle the shoes off his feet if it could.

“4,000 is way too high, I simply cannot pay that.” Ichigo returns voice just as apologetic. The smile on the yokai’s face stretches so wide it disappears into its hairline.

“It’s already discounted, and look at the quality, you won’t find that anywhere else for such a good price.” It says picking up one of the brushes to show it off. Ichigo holds his chin in his hand, pretending to think on it.

“I can split the difference with you, 3,700.” Ichigo says with a defeated sigh, pulling out all the money he has in his wallet.

The yokai behind cart looks pleased with itself as it quickly packages up Ichigo’s things. It takes his money with that same unnaturally huge smile.

“Thank you for your business.” It calls.

Ichigo looks around for Toda and sees him at a cart selling shadow puppets, on hand on his hip, the other holding his liquor jug, and the other two crossed over his chest.

“I’m good.” Ichigo declares walking up beside him. Toda starts a little at his sudden appearance, but that’s probably to do with how light the jug is looking rather than how light Ichigo is on his feet.

“Good deal! Hopefully they like it. I hear it is good for the soul.”

They walk on, still meandering but with more purpose than before. As they get close to the pagoda it peeks out form behind the buildings It’s so tall Ichigo has to crane his head back to look. Five levels each lit up with strings of lights rather than lanterns. Practical for a wooden structure, but Ichigo can’t help wonder where the electricity comes from.

Rounding the last corner, the street opens up into a huge courtyard with the pagoda at the center. Walking closer still, Ichigo marvels at just how _big_ the structure is. It would take three of Ichigo to be able to wrap his arms around one of the five pillars.

“Wow” Ichigo says intelligently, startling a laugh out of Toda.

“Come on!” The yokai urges, pushing Ichigo forward. Ichigo’s eyes widen was he notices the two stone tigers, each looking down into a huge pit of some sort. The statues are made of dark green stone, almost black, their lines stylized rather than life like. One has its mouth opened in a snarl and the other’s is shut. They aren’t sacred or anything, going by how yokai laze at their feet and even perch on the tiger’s ears.

Toda drags him over to the pit, specifically to a bucket on a long rope sitting next to the pit. The pit is at least fifteen meters across, the sides smooth tile straight down. It has a raised edge around it, not enough to prevent anyone from falling in, rather, just low enough to trip you instead. Several yokai are sitting on the edge like their backs aren’t hovering over a yawning abyss. Ichigo notice the inscription on the raised edge as they walk closer to the bucket.

‘Throw something in  
Pull something up  
Make a wish  
Test your luck  
Bits and bobbles  
Treasures and tines  
Endless potential  
In this bucket of mine’

“This is my favorite thing to do.” Toda tells him excitedly. Ichigo watches speculatively as Toda chugs the rest of his liquor and sets the empty jug into the bucket. Still grinning he lowers the bucket over the pit and lets it fall, the rope sliding though his hands slow enough that he doesn’t get friction burn.

Ichigo looks over into the pit and watches the bucket disappear into darkness. Toda gets to the end of the rope and waits.

“You got to give it a little time or it doesn’t work.” Toda explains, waiting another moment before starting to pull the bucket back up hand over hand. With four arms it doesn’t take that long. The jug is gone, but there is a strip of cloth in its place. Pulling up his prize Toda reaches for the emerald colored cloth and laughs, turning to show it to Ichigo. It’s a headband with the word ‘drunk’ stitched in white. Still laughing Toda ties it around his forehead.

“How do I look?” He asks, turning his head this way and that, striking a dramatic pose. Ichigo snorts at him.

“Drunk.” Ichigo says dryly. Toda laughs, plopping himself down on the edge of the pit.

“You should throw something in and see what you get.” Toda says pushing the bucket towards Ichigo with his foot.

“Naw, I spent all my money and I don’t have anything I can just throw down there.” Ichigo deflects, setting down his bag.

Ichigo, being the intelligent man that he is, sits down next to Toda, resolving to drag them both to hell if something reaches out of the pit. Looking up and very consciously not leaning back, Ichigo surveys the inside of the Pagoda. Each of the five levels progressively gets smaller, but that’s not saying much considering how massive the structure is to begin with. The support beams are painted with blues, whites and greens, the gold accents glowing in the light. More than a few yokai are perched in the rafters. The pagoda doesn’t have a top, it’s just open to the night sky, the glow of them moon shining above, but not the moon itself. Toda sees him looking.

“When the moon lines up with the top, Shangyue dives down the well and starts the race for the jade jewel.” Toda says like it is an explanation and not some fairytale bullshit that just brings up more questions. Ichigo blinks in bafflement turning his focus to Toda. The yokai sees Ichigo’s look and rolls his eyes.

“See this is why I don’t spend time in the human world, they don’t have cool shit like this.” Toda half mocks in exasperation. Ichigo rolls his own eyes, resisting the urge to punch Toda in the arm. Knowing his luck, it would unbalance them and send them backwards into the pit.

“So about forever ago, there were these two tigers that lived in the forest around here. Every year Shangyue would dive into this well caring his jade jewel. The tigers followed him one year, tracking him all across the night sky until he landed to sleep. One tiger bit his tail, and when Shangyue was distracted the other tiger stole the jewel.” Toda explains like it’s common knowledge.

Ichigo squints at him in disbelief.

“And what is Shangyue?” Ichigo asks suspiciously.

“A dragon.” Toda replies matter of fact, shit eating grin spread over his face at Ichigo’s disbelief. The gap in his teeth makes Ichigo’s lips twitch.

“So you are telling me, every year a dragon dives down this well, and these two tigers chase after it?” He clarifies.

“Of course not. We chase it.”

Ichigo squints harder.

“it’s like a festival event. We get into teams and chaise after Shangyue to see if anyone can do what the tigers did.” Toda’s words are starting to get clumsy.

“Fuck’n wild.” Ichigo decides. Toda laughs at him, leans over to bump Ichigo with his shoulder.

“Not really, it’s like a vacation. You just walk across the desert for a few days and if you are too slow you just have to walk back.” Toda makes a sweeping motion as if to demonstrate how straight forward the entire process is. Ichigo grabs one of his gesturing wrists when the yokai seems to teeter on the edge of the pit.

A desert.

“Hueco Mundo?” Ichigo clarifies, because of course the pit he was one unfortunate sneeze from falling into leads there.

“Yeah.” Toda confirms.

Ichigo doesn’t know what part of the conversation to get mad about.

“I’m done.” Ichigo declares, releasing Toda and standing up, grabbing his bag as he does. Toda laughs at him again, cheeks turned bright red with the drink and his amusement.

“Fine! Be a prude. Tell me if your sisters like the gifts.” Toda instructs, not looking like he’s going to move any time soon.

“You good to get where you’re going?” Ichigo confirms before he just leaves this idiot here to fall into Hueco Mundo on accident. Toda gives him four thumbs up, headband proudly proclaiming how shitfaced he is. Snorting Ichigo reaches down, grabbing two of Toda’s arms and drags him forward a foot. It slides him off of the low ledge of the well and onto the ground so his back is to the raised edge and not the open abyss. Toda pats his cheek with one of his other hands.

“Thanks bud. Are we going to fight tomorrow?” Toda asks.

“Yeah, sleep this off so you are ready to get your ass beat.” Ichigo teases.

“Ohhh big words!” Toda jokes, words sticking together as the liquor finally seems to hit him full force.

Ichigo snorts again, waves goodbye to the slouched yokai and starts making his way back to the Torii.

It’s still early in the night, and some part of Ichigo wants to stay in Tianhei longer, but he wants to see his sisters in the morning and if he lets himself get distracted here, he won’t have the time.

This side of town seems like more every day shops. There are stores with kitchen utensils, clothing, construction supplies. It’s interesting to see another side of Tianhei. One that makes everyday life seem more real than the constant merriment and drinking on the other side of town.

He comes at the Torri form the opposite side than he usually does and all at once Tianhei seems like real place. A place you can walk around and goof off, a place that has real people with individual personalities.

It wasn’t a dream, it was all real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've started to show my hand with this chapter, I think with this information you can maybe start go guess how everything is going to play out and what big answers Ichigo will get about why his mask appeared and everything like that lol The race wasn't really a very original or dynamic idea, but it's not the main point of the story and more of a tool to give a variety in the place and situation of the characters. I also want to use the parallels with canon to sort of mirror and then heal aspects of Ichigo's grief and understanding of himself. Why Ichigo decides to go is the big plot point of the story. I want to hear everyone's guesses on what is going to happen!  
> But aside for the hints, this chapter is another one that mostly sets up what is going to come. Next chapter there will be some more developments with what is happening with Zangetsu and Ichigo's inner world, aspects of which I still need to iron out lol. Also I forgot to add it last chapter, Tushou 徒手 just means unarmed, and Wuqi 武器 is weapon lol Shangyue 赏月 means to enjoy a beautiful moon, back at it again with the original names for things lol I prob won't have another chapter out until late next week, grad school is a little harder than I was expecting lol  
> Thank you to everyone that comments and leaves kudos! They make my day and hearing form everyone makes writing so much more fun!


	9. If I Called Your Name Could You Still Answer?

Ichigo halts a few meters away from where he knows the intersection to that well is. Glancing through the trees he can’t see anything watching him, maybe the trees are too thick, maybe whatever is in the well wasn’t paying attention. Either way, Ichigo hikes his bag under his arm, wincing as the plastic material creating the most ungodly loud sound in the quiet dark. Ichigo sees yellow eyes blink at him.

_Fuck it_

He walks with purpose. One foot in front of the other, eyes straight ahead even as his ears strain for some sign whatever is in the well is coming for him. There is nothing, just the heavy weight of eyes. A woman’s laughter follows him. It almost makes Ichigo stop with how familiar it sounds, but he keeps walking. He can’t place who it reminds him of, but he doesn’t let himself slow down and think about it. He’s no expert but he’s positive mimicking the voice of people you know is in a story he’s heard somewhere. He doesn’t have time for yokai bullshit tonight.

Ichigo slows down when he’s sure he’s out of its sight. He’s not particularly worried. If whatever it was wanted to get him, it’d had chances before now. He’s just thankful it didn’t try and pull anything.

Huotan is up ahead and the sight of her brings back everything he’d gone to Tianhei to forget. Ichigo takes a breath and keeps walking. All his problems were still there, but at least he could separate himself from them a little.

“Evening” He calls.

“Evening” She answers.

He passes under the second Torii and can feel whatever the gateway did wash over him. His bag is still tucked under his arm and everything is as it should be.

“Evening” He calls again, this time coming to a stop next to Huotan’s tree.

“Evening” She answers again.

“I left my stuff in your tree, sorry for the trouble.” He apologizes as he climbs up to grab his bag. It smells of damp forest and cigarettes. He hadn’t thought about that when it put it there, but it’s faint enough that it doesn’t really matter anyway.

“No trouble. I don’t care.” She says, voice a little clipped.

Sliding back down to the ground Ichigo takes a breath. His ribs don’t hurt.

He stands there for a moment, not wanting to go home but knowing he needs to. With a sigh he sits down next to Huotan. It’s still early enough that he has time. Huotan lights a cigarette and hands it to him.

“Thanks” He says on reflex. He watches as the smoke curls into the air, ribbons of gray seeping endlessly from the ember. He takes a drag and asks a question, more as an excuse to be lingering here than anything.

“So how do you get from here to the other tree? Do you cut through the trees?” He’s been thinking about posable answers to her tick and that one seemed like the most likely.

“There is only one tree. It’s not me that’s in two places at once.” She says cryptically.

Ichigo sighs.

“With how you talk you would think you were a riddle yokai or something.” He complains.

“What do you want me to do? Beam the information directly into your head? You want to know something take the damn time to learn it. Bastard.” She hisses the last word under her breath, apparently still a little piffy from their conversation earlier in the night.

It’s quiet for a beat.

“Soooo?” He asks about to grind out his cigarette in the dirt. That horrendous tongue slithers out and catches it before he can. The saliva is like tar and the cigarette butt sticks to the appendage, some sticking to his fingers. Ichigo’s nose scrunches up in pure disgust.

His reaction gets a bark of laughter form Huotan, it makes the hanging skin of her cheeks flap. She takes another drag before answering him.

“One tree is grown from the clipping of another. Technically they are the same tree. That’s why it’s so easy to get lost in orchards, they are all the same.” She flicks ash at him still sounding annoyed, and he hisses as an ember burns a hole in his shirt.

“Hey!”

“Opps, my bad.” There is absolutely no remorse in her voice.

Ichigo tisks at her but lets it go. He hadn’t been the best company earlier in the night. She lights him another cigarette but he waves it off.

It would be nice to just sit here for the rest of the night, but he needed to sleep at least a little, and he couldn’t miss his sisters before they went to school.

“I have to get going.” He explains, getting to his feet and grabbing his bags. Huotan hums in assent.

“I’ll see ya tomorrow.” He says as he departs.

“See ya.” Huotan echoes.

It’s a nice night, the weather seeming to finally start giving up the sweltering heat of August and giving way to the less unbearable warmth of September. People are still out on the streets, not many, but not the absolute solitude of walking home at the strangest hours between the early risers and the night owls.

He quietly unlocks the door and ghost upstairs, checking on Karin and Yuzu as he does. Both are asleep, and seeing them makes something twist in his chest. He drops his back off in his room and goes to get ready for sleep. He cocks his head to the side in intrigue. The white patch on his stomach hadn’t grown, but the white veins splaying out under his skin had. They wrap around his middle, not going up or down, just around. Pressing on them they are ever so slightly, like the patch of skin, the veins are harder than the rest of his skin. Ichigo snorts at the practicality of it. A cage protecting the most vulnerable parts. Huffing half in amusement and half in thanks, he finishes getting ready.

Lying in bed he realizes how useless this actually was. He won’t be able to sleep. He never can, but he tries anyway. Lays there trying to quiet his mind, trying to relax, trying to _sleep_. He can’t. He feels like a wire strung too tight, there is nothing to do, but the tension is still there. Time just passes in an agonizingly slow march and with each minute Ichigo is more tired than before.

Sighing tiredly he sits up and crosses his legs.

_You would want me to know_

Jinzen isn’t easy to fall into, but it’s unmistakable when he does. The persistent song of the crickets fall silent, the hum of the powerlines stills, everything in the world falls away and as Ichigo falls into his own. Falling endlessly until the cold water reaches up and catches him.

His heart is somewhere in his throat.

Ichigo opens his eyes on impact but he can’t see anything. The water is frigid against his face, reaching up his gut lurches to find it maskless. He can’t even see his hand when it’s in front of his face. He can’t tell which way is up. All he can feel is the water swelling around him as he slowly drifts towards what must be the ground.

“Zangetsu!”

His voice doesn’t echo, it’s swallowed up by the pitch-black span of water.

“Zangetsu!” His voice cracks in his throat, dying just as completely.

Ichigo doesn’t call out again, heart beating fast. The fear that there will be more silence is enough to stifle the words in his mouth.

After an endless moment his feet brush pavement. Ichigo tries to walk forward, tries to make the water condense around him so he can move normally, and – it just doesn’t work. The water around him is just water. Gritting his teeth at how _wrong_ everything felt, he can do nothing but swim forward in the dark.

His hand hits something as it sweeps out in front of him. He reaches out for it, only to be met with a wall. The concrete is rough under his fingers, and he follows the structure sideways, on hand on the running along the concrete while his other trails along the pavement. There is a corner and he follows that too until the wall turns into a set of glass doors that won’t open. Kicking off the pavement he rises through the water, his hand catching on what must be a sign. It’s smooth under his fingers, nothing to give anything away. Swimming back down, he continues.

Another building, another and another, all different, but familiar, and Ichigo has to winder if this is what Katakura town feels like in complete darkness.

He still can’t find Zangetsu.

Ichigo pushes past the despair. Takes a breath and closes his eyes in concentration, the dark behind his lids just as absolute as when they are open.

Ichigo reaches out, reaches in, like waving you hand over tall grass to see if any grasshoppers fly away at the disturbance. Dragging your fingers through threads to feel for the one that is different from all the rest. Reaches for that one ribbon that is so much more than all the rest.

Heart beating in his ears, Ichigo swims. Forward and then up and over, dragging himself along buildings and streets towards that almost feeling. So faint he has to backtrack, hovering blindly I the water before swimming down. Hands splayed out, he can feel nothing, only the concrete of the building and the pavement of the ally. Clinging to the feeling, Ichigo keeps looking, inch by inch. He finds it in the gutter.

Ichigo’s fingers brush it and he recoils on instinct.

Cold, so cold, slimy and soft.

Swallowing he reaches out again and a whimper slipping out of his mouth.

A hand, part of a hand.

Palm, thumb, pointer, middle, ragged flesh, slick bones.

“Zangetsu” He begs, cradling the appendage in his hands. Shaking fingers threading though cold ones, thumbs running over flesh covered joints and naked bone alike.

It’s so could, everything is so _cold_.

Ichigo doesn’t know what to do.

He presses Zangetsu’s hand to his cheek, trying to chase away the absolute cold in the limb like it will chase away the horrified screams in his head.

Everything is slipping, the thoughts in his head catching painfully on each other like gears out of time. Trying to figure out a way to survive this, to soften the crushing _nothingness_ trying to swallow him.

“I know you’re not gone.” Is what comes out of his mouth. The last plea of a drowning man.

“If you can heal me, if looking for you leads me to – “ _a part of you_ he can’t say.

“You can’t be gone.” He reasons, begs. Maybe it’s useless, maybe it really is, but Ichigo can’t accept that. There is not a world where he accepts that and is able to take a single more step.

He gets no answer.

Time is only punctuated by how the fingers pressed against his cheek warm as his own body heat leaches into them.

Ichigo falls back to the world of the living, opening his eyes to a too bright world. He stares numbly at the wall. Not comprehending anything beyond the cricket still singing its song to the night.

He’s so cold.

His fingers feel numb, the phantom sensation water logged flesh still clinging to his fingers.

Curling forward he snakes his fingers into the eye sockets of his mask as assurance. He doesn’t move for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this turned out to be a little more dramatic than I had planned. I rearranged some events so things would move along faster and Ichigo going to look for Zangetsu in his inner world was part of that. I have a really specific idea in my head about what the final getsuga did to Ichigo and Zangetsu and as the story moves along I'll elaborate one that. Also sprinkling in some other ideas and concepts into it to hint at the stuff coming up. This is a shorter chapter than I had planned, the last few chapters have been pretty short too, which I'm not a big fan of. I try and get the word count at 2k ish for each chapter but things have been slow going and I figured it would be better to post this and keep working on the next part than for this part to be sitting around while I keep working lol Also I've been pretty slow responding to everyone's comments (which are the highlight of my day) and I feel really bad about that, I read them but then don't have time to respond for a while. I just wanted everyone to know I love hearing from you! Thank you!


	10. Did You Cry When Your Brightest Star Fell?

The light that creeps in his window is unwelcome. It makes his lips curl back over his teeth, makes his eyes narrow in pain. Why should the rest of the world get to keep spinning when –

It keeps getting brighter, the birds chirp and the cricket falls silent. He starts hearing the early risers go about their business below, delivery trucks and long-distance commuters.

He heard Yuzu get up, then Karin. Then his father.

Ichigo wonders what he would do if Isshin barged in here to attack Ichigo in the name of ‘training’. Ichigo almost wishes he would. Maybe being able to hit something would make this feeling in his chest go away.

But no-

It’s Yuzu that knocks softly and opens the door. He sees the words she was about to say die in her mouth as she sees him. Her face twists in concern.

“Yo, Yuzu.” He says, hating how his voice comes out brittle.

One two three four steps – and she throws herself at him. He catches her, because of course he does.

“Sorry I worried you.” He chokes out. She shakes her head where it’s planted in his shoulder.

“It’s not that.” She says, her arms tightening around his shoulders. It’s her that’s hugging him, not the other way around. He tucks her head under his chin and huffs. It comes out fragile even to his own ears.

“I’m fine, just bad dreams.” He lies. Yuzu is nice enough not to call him out on it. Ichigo can’t bring himself to look up when Karin pads in. Can’t stand the thought to her seeing how pathetic he looks right now.

“Idiot.” Is all Karin says, settling against his side.

It makes him laugh, it comes out strained. Karin’s head drops to rest against his shoulder and Yuzu lets out a sniffle. He laughs again and it comes out even more pathetic. He gently shoves at them.

“Quit it, you’re going to make me cry.” He jokes, pushing at them a little harder.

It’s not really a joke.

“I got you something.” He says when neither of them moves. He uses his grip on Yuzu to twist and set her on the bed next to Karin while he gets up. They let him go.

Padding over to the shopping bag form last night he pulls out the two calligraphy sets and hands one to each. Yuzu’s obvious delight is satisfying, and so is Karin’s half hidden smile. It makes warmth bloom in his chest, not enough to chase away the absolute cold, but something.

“These are really cute, Ichi-nii!” Yuzu says, looking over the box’s design, the lacquered surface shining in the morning light. Yuzu’s has plum blossoms inlayed into the wood, Karin’s stylized clouds.

“I figured you’d like them.” He says a smile twisting his lips as Karin shoots him a suspicious look. Her cheeks are a little red and it makes his smile grow wider. It’s about a hundred years too early for her to try and hide her interest in poetry form him. She doesn’t say anything, but the way her thumb brushes along the box is its own thanks.

“Get going, we will be late for school.” He says as he shoos them out of his room so he can get dressed. Making sure he has everything, he picks up his backpack. His eyes catch on Urahara’s keychain. Grimacing, he uses the note to scrape it into his backpack. Maybe wanting answers was an excuse, maybe Urahara wouldn’t have any for him, either way Ichigo would return his gift.

Padding down stairs he drops his bag by the door and goes to sit at the table. There is already rice and miso set out, Yuzu brings over a plate of grilled salmon and sits down herself. Isshin isn’t there, and Ichigo is grateful for it.

It’s a nice breakfast, he listens to his sisters talk about what their school is planning for the fall festival and hmms and haws at the right places. Yuzu is going to be in charge of a bake sale to raise money for her class at the end of the month, and Ichigo resolves to help her out with it. The soccer tournaments don’t start until the middle of September so it’s just been practices for her.

Ichigo’s head jerks at the sound of footsteps. Karin and Yuzu are too busy arguing about their favorite TV show _Pola’s Marvelous Summer_ to notice his reaction. Eyes narrowed he listens, and he watches. He sees Karin glance at something out of the corner of her eye, an annoyed slant to her mouth. It makes Ichigo seethe. He hears the shuffle of feet again, not either of his sister’s school shoes.

Ghosts followed him around before he was a Shinigami, but he had never let them in the house, never wanted them around his family. Some of them had been persistent, weeping and crying when he forced them away. Karin was too nice to do the same.

His hands itch to reach out and just _grab_ the ghost and drag it away from his sister. It makes anger pool in his chest at his own uselessness.

One more thing he can talk to Urahara about.

They all walk out the door together, Ichigo locks up behind them. They walk together until they get to the intersection that leads to their different schools. Karin and Yuzu give him a hug, he hugs them back, feeling that same fragile part in his chest twist again.

“How about I walk you to school?” He says before he can think better of it.

“Sure!” They course together. Neither of them mentions that he will make himself late to school, or that they are too old to have their older brother drop them off at school like he did when they were little. Wordlessly Yuzu slips her and into his and Karin bumps him playfully in his other side.

Ichigo really loves them.

He swings Yuzu’s hand back and forth, flicks at Karin’s ear with his other hand until she jumps on his back in retaliation and he can turn it into a piggy back ride. 

It’s peaceful, the street is filled with other kids from his sisters’ school. He recognizes some of them, and they recognize him, some of them waving and others, the ones he remembers always making a fuss about his hair, ignoring them. Even the security woman at the gate is the same. She gives him a kind smile.

He lets Karin slide off his back and gives both her and Yuzu another hug.

“Be good.” He tells them. They both roll their eyes at him.

“Of course, we aren’t a delinquent like you.” Karin snarks back, it makes Ichigo smile but also reminds him.

“I won’t be home tonight, so don’t wait up.”

It makes them frown, but he musters a smile. A real one, no matter how small.

“Don’t worry so much, your delinquent brother can take care of himself.” He jokes.

It gets a huff out Karin.

“I’ll wrap you a plate up to eat when you get home.” Yuzu promises.

“Thank you. Get to class before you are late.” He urges, pushing them forward.

“See ya!” They call.

“See ya” Ichigo calls as he turns to leave.

He doesn’t even make it a block away from them and the creeping loneliness is already trying to swallow him.

_But I’m not alone_

Is what he tells himself at least.

The one perk of being late is he doesn’t have to talk to anyone before class. He gives his half-assed bow, says his sorry, and takes his seat.

Tatsuki shoots him a questioning look, and he just summons a weak thumbs up for her. It makes her frown, but she accepts it with a nod. He can feel Ishida’s eyes on him, but he ignores the other boy. Ignore everything and just concentrates the bland stream of information their teacher provides.

The feel of Zangetsu’s hand is still cold against his skin.

Tatsuki is back in front of him as soon as lunch starts, Keigo following soon after along with Mizuiro on his heels. Ichigo makes himself focus, makes himself take in what they are saying, makes himself nod along and laugh, makes himself act like a human being. Maybe if he does the screaming in his head will eventually stop.

Class ends and Ichigo is out the door before the teacher finishes dismissing them.

Something is twisting in his gut. He knows, knows that Urahara won’t have any answers for him. Knows that there will be no miracle cure, no ‘I have just the thing, Kurosaki-san!’.

Maybe he should stop lying to himself and admit he just wants to see Urahara.

Hearing the Urahara’s footsteps in the forest had felt like his heart was being crushed. With Tianhei it was easy to forget that Shinigami and hollows existed, even just for a little while. Maybe he was childish like that. If he couldn’t see it, if he couldn’t feel it, maybe he could pretend like it didn’t exist no matter how much the hurt left behind tormented him, but hearing Urahara and not being able to see him – it was painful. Like some cruel joke. Just when he accepted that the spirit world was gone for him, just when he thought he found something else to be his, it all comes creeping back to drown him.

Maybe he just has to see that Urahara is still real.

The path to the shop is familiar. Not a far walk from his house, and even shorter from the school. The streets are busy with the afterschool bustle, and Ichigo takes comfort in being able to merge into the crowd and carried along to his destination.

He slips down the side street that leads to the shop.

It’s so unassuming Ichigo can’t help the sardonic smile that twists his lips. No one would think that one of the most dangerous beings alive lived here. But then again, it was that disguise that let Urahara stay hidden form the Shinigami for a hundred years. The door catches on the same spot just like always.

“Geta-boshi!” Ichigo calls as he walks in. The store front is empty, or maybe it isn’t. He wouldn’t be able to tell with how quietly Urahara and Tessai walk. Jinta and Ururu are nowhere to be seen either. Huffing more on reflex than annoyance, he makes his way back to the living quarters, kicking his shoes off and dropping his bag at the entrance. He checks the living room, the kitchen. His eyes narrow as he sees the steam rising form the electric kettle and a teapot waiting on the counter.

“I can’t see shit if that’s what you were testing, get in a gigai.” He says into the empty air. He pours the water into the teapot and grabs two cups form the cabinet. He snorts as he sees there is a new set, only one lone cup surviving form the old one. Jinta’s work no doubt, but really, just about any of the shop’s residents were guilty of smashing the teacups at least once. Ichigo was just as guilty, and his lips twitch again as he remembers throwing the tea tray and its contents at Renji for being a dick. The memory isn’t bittersweet, just painful.

Ichigo isn’t surprised when he turns back and Urahara is standing there.

“Yo, Geta-boshi.” He’s proud that his voice sounds normal.

“Long time no see, Kurosaki-san.” Urahara returns, voice just as causal.

Urahara is just like Ichigo remembered, but what is seven months to someone who’s over two centuries old?

“Yeah, figured you were busy.” Ichigo says easily.

“Nonsense, my doors are always open.” Is what Urahara says. _But you never came back_ goes unspoken.

Ichigo had almost forgot that about Urahara, his perpetual doublespeak. He used to find it more annoying than he does now.

“Yeah,” Ichigo agrees, to which part he doesn’t know.

Ichigo distracts himself with grabbing the tea tray from the cabinet by the fridge and moving everything onto it. Urahara pulls a plate of mochi out of the fridge and follows Ichigo as he makes his way to the back porch.

It all feels so goddamned _routine_. It could be any of the days after Ichigo would finish training in the basement. Urahara would say ‘mindful relaxation is good for the soul, Kurosaki-san!’ and poke, prod and insult Ichigo into drinking tea on the back porch like an old man. Urahara started having the tea with him after Ichigo snuck off rather than sit and drink his tea.

The back garden, tiny as it is, looks better than Ichigo remembers form last winter. The little lemon tree Tessai put in seemed to be doing well, and Ururu’s bonsai was slightly less mangled. Ivy has taken over the lattice that partitions the small space off from the street and it creates a little box of green. Ichigo still can’t figure out why they have a garden up here when they have the entire basement to work with.

Because Ichigo had somehow managed to acquire politeness despite Isshin’s failure to teach it, Ichigo pours Urahara’s tea and then his own.

He’s glad he managed to figure out how to open his mask without opening his mouth too, or drinking the tea in front of Urahara would be more than a little stressful.

They sit in compatible silence for a little.

“How are you, Kurosaki-san?” Urahara asks, voice genuine. Some of Ichigo’s routine calm slips away at the question. Ichigo doesn’t look at Urahara, and maybe that is it’s own give away.

“I’m alright.” Ichigo makes himself say. Sharp gray eyes watch him. A lie neither of them believe.

“Karin has been having some problems, would you mind if I sent her over?” Ichigo continues. The _Problems I can’t help her with anymore_ goes unsaid.

“Of course not, I’d be happy to help.” Urahara agrees easily, not that Ichigo had doubted that he would.

Undoubtedly it was a testament to how stupid Ichigo was that Ichigo trusted Urahara. Not his words, not his actions, not even his motives, Ichigo would be a fool if he trusted any of those. He trusted Urahara’s resolve. There wasn’t a paradox to the man, no hesitation, it was a straight line form his head to his heart. For all the time the man spent thinking, it was never about his own actions. There was never a question of _should_ , only _how_. Maybe that made Urahara a monster, Ichigo was inclined to agree, but Urahara had never failed him. Maybe he never told Ichigo the whole truth, but Urahara had never let Ichigo down either.

For all that Ichigo hated Aizen for manipulating him, and for all that so many hated Urahara for the same reason, Ichigo never felt like Urahara was taking advantage of him. Taking advantage of Ichigo’s actions? Sure. But at every turn Urahara seemed to one of the only people that _believed_ in Ichigo. Urahara would give Ichigo a chance, if survive or die was a chance, and then it was up to Ichigo to make something of it.

So maybe trust wasn’t the right word.

Ichigo counted on Urahara’s resolve, just the same as he counted on Ichigo’s.

Maybe they were similar like that.

Ichigo pops a mochi into his mouth, chews. Lets it chases away the bitterness there so Ichigo can ask the question that he wants.

“Urahara-san, would you happen if you pushed me out of my body?” He asks, takes a sip of his tea to busy his hands.

“You would die.” Urahara says quietly.

“I figured. My body is the only thing keeping me together, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

If he hadn’t had a body to return to would he have just kept bleeding reiatsu until he disappeared? Faded away like Rukia had before his eyes? A shattered cup unable to keep the water from slipping through the cracks. Ichigo hates himself for how pathetic his next question makes him feel.

“Will it ever get better?” He asks, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to see whatever look Urahara gives him.

“I don’t know. Your physical body is acting like a cast-“ Urahara isn’t cruel enough to finish the sentence but Ichigo knows what he means to say.

_And it’s my soul that’s broken._

His stomach twists remembering his inner world, Zangetsu’s hand just floating there in the dark water.

Ichigo has to take a steading breath.

“That really sucks.” Is all he can say.

“Yes.” Urahara agrees.

Ichigo doesn’t ask anymore questions, none of them are ones Urahara can answer.

The mochi doesn’t last long between them, and this time it’s Urahara that refills their cups. Ichigo doesn’t think the blankness in his mind is the ‘mindful relaxation’ Urahara always preached about, but it was the best Ichigo could do.

Urahara speaks after they are on their fourth cup.

“Why the sudden visit, Kurosaki-san?” He asks finally. Ichigo looks over at the man before answering, trying to guess his angle.

“Just to ask about Karin.” He says neutrally, knowing that Urahara won’t buy that, but unwilling to give more of an answer. Tianhei, the yokai, they are Ichigo’s. He’s going to keep this one thing for himself.

“Oh? I thought it might have been something to do with your mask appearing?” Urahara ask, face shadowed by the brim of his hat.

_Ah_

Ichigo looks him right in the eyes.

“What mask?”

They stare at each other for a long time, but Urahara relents first.

“Nothing, don’t mind me, it was just the ramblings of an old man.” He concedes, snapping his fan open and fluttering it dramatically. There is something in his voice that Ichigo has never heard before, something in his eyes that made Ichigo’s stomach twist.

_Hurt_

Ichigo looks away.

It doesn’t surprise him that Urahara could see his mask, the man wasn’t known for being unobservant. If anyone would look at Ichigo and see what was, rather than what they expected, it would be Urahara.

It’s silent between them.

Urahara shifts –

Ichigo jerks in alarm.

They look at each other in surprise, and Ichigo rapidly feels his cheeks color in shame. Looking away he huffs silently to himself.

How stupid of him. What is he even worried about? It’s just Urahara. Besides, what is Ichigo going to do against him? Nothing, Ichigo could do nothing.

And that was the problem wasn’t it? It wasn’t that he thought Urahara would hurt him, it was just that Ichigo couldn’t do anything if he did.

Urahara is silent for a long time. When he finally speaks his voice is soft.

“When did I become an enemy you had to be weary of, Kurosaki-kun?”

_When you left me all alone._

Ichigo stands, brushes off the imaginary dirt on his pants. He can’t look at Urahara.

“It was nice talking with you, Urahara-san. I better get going, I have homework to do.” Without waiting for a reply, he grabs the empty plate and his cup to take back to the kitchen. He grabs his bag and slips on his shoes in the same breath, is out the front door in the next.

Almost a block away, Ichigo hears the hollow clack of Urahara’s shoes behind him and stops. Gritting his teeth Ichigo turns back.

“I know you don’t need my help, and I know I have no right to ask, but please –” Urahara doesn’t finish, but he’s holding out something for Ichigo to take. _Please don’t go where I can’t find you._

What a low blow.

Ichigo grits his teeth harder, holds his hand out. Warm metal hits his palm and Ichigo takes the gift without looking at it. He doesn’t say thank you, can’t past the lump in his throat. Ichigo turns and leaves before he embarrasses himself even more.

He doesn’t make it far, just a few blocks more and down an alley. He sits down heavily on the steps of some back door. Opening his fist, he sees the necklace Urahara had given him. No little skull motifs, just a flat coin of metal attached to the chain. Flipping it over he sees the kanji for moon stamped into the silver material.

Ichigo hates the way that his face crumples up pathetically, hates the way that his hands shake and his breath hitches, and Ichigo really hates Urahara sometimes. Hiding his face in his hands Ichigo pretends like he isn’t as pathetic as he is. Hooking his fingers in his eye sockets Ichigo forces himself to calm down. A deep breath, then another, and he sits up again. This isn’t the time or the place.

He feels scraped raw, like sitting on that porch and drinking tea was the most difficult thing he’s done in months.

“This is getting pretty sad, huh Zangetsu?” He asks a little bitterly, looking at the necklace in his hand

_Abandoned dog_

The name rings in his ears, and he see the irony of it. Sees the nice little collar in his hand.

Gritting his teeth, he loops it around his wrist instead. It feels wrong, all he can think of is Zangetsu’s mangled hand. Snarling to himself he slips the necklace off and just shoves it in his pocket.

The walk to Tianhei never felt so lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We be moving and grooving my dudes, some development here, some hints, some quality interactions. Not going to lie, and I don't think I'm alone when I say that Urahara is one of my favorite characters. I hope I did a good job elaborating on how Ichigo views him. I always felt like Urahara was the type that would feel guilt or sorrow, but never let that get in the way of doing what he thinks needs to be done. I also think Ichigo would be really jumpy around him. A lot of their relationship was built around training, and a lot of Ichigo is always ready and expecting to fight at any second, but in this case Ichigo wouldn't be able to match up Urahara and I think that would make Ichigo high strung even if he didn't notice it. I also think that Urahara would def be able to see ichigo's mask, and then that raises the question about what he thinks of it and if he/shinigami know about yokai. I will def address that when it becomes relevant, but I don't really think it's hard to guess how most shinigami view yokai.   
> Kinda a longer chapter which I'm happy about. I didn't expect to get it done until later in the week but I guess procrastinating on homework is a good way to get this fic done lol  
> Thank you to everyone that leaves kudos and comments! I am really trying to keep my focus on this story as opposed to dicking around with other wips, I am really excited for this story and can't wait to keep writing it! Everyone's support really helps with that!


	11. If You Would But Reach Out Your Hand

Ichigo doesn’t stop at the graveyard, and Huotan isn’t at her tree so he just keeps walking.

The late afternoon sun filters down through the leaves and turns everything gold hued green. The maples are starting to change into their fall colors, the delicate red veins on the five-point leaves spreading through the green.

Looking up at the Torii, something twists in his chest.

It’s mesmerizing.

The stone of the path is old but whole, the moss creeping at the edges and dips in the smooth gray slabs. The Torii is just the same, the paint on the wood aged but still vibrant red against the green of the trees, swaying branches framing the gateway into something people wrote poems about.

Zangetsu would really love it, the both of them.

It was a little tragic wasn’t it? They both hated the rain so much, yet it had rained until they had been swallowed up by the water. They had told him how they loved the green of the forest and the calm of rivers, but Ichigo had trapped them in a city of glass that had shrunk down into a prison of concrete and black pavement. In love with the open blue sky but trapped in the dark.

One of the things he regrets most is his inner world not looking more like this.

_It’s beautiful. Isn’t it, Zangetsu?_

Ichigo gets no answer, but he stays a little longer anyway. Just watches the way the light filters down through the canopy and the wind flutters the leaves into a voice of uncountable whispers.

The world between the Torii is just as strange as it always is, more so with light shining on all the shrines and strange figures in the trees. Ichigo can’t say for certain, but the statues don’t look like they are in the same place as before. The statue of the heron with the body of a man is smoking when Ichigo could have sworn it was a sake cup in his hand last time.

Same as last time, Ichigo comes to a stop at the intersection leading to the well.

In the light it looks unassuming, normal even, no hint that something with yellow eyes and a familiar laugh lives inside. But then maybe it was like the statues, somehow frozen during the daytime.

Never claiming to be smart, Ichigo walks off the path and towards the well. It’s a short walk to the little clearing. A ring of about five meter of treeless space circles the well.

Ichigo walks closer, eyes catching on a flat stone, nearly sunk into the ground, but words visible all the same.

‘Take one last chance  
Give me your wish  
I’ll give you the world  
If you give me one gift  
The treasure you’ve longed for  
At the end of this line  
Endless potential  
In your hands not mine’  
  


It makes something mean twist in Ichigo’s gut.

If only a magic well could grant his wish.

Shaking the thought out of his head he looks at the stone closer.

Cocking his head in curiosity, he wonders if it’s like the well in the middle of Tianhei. The poem sounds similar enough. Looking around he sees there is a bucket set to the side. The well itself doesn’t bear any resemblance to the huge pin in the middle of the town. The opening is only a meter squared. But -

Because he’s stupid, Ichigo leans over the opening and looks down. A jolt of fear shoots through him as he sees those same yellow eyes staring at him from the darkness. Those are familiar too. Ichigo opens his mouth to ask –

_Who- ?_

\- snaps it shut just as fast.

Spindly white hands creep up the sides of the well, reaching for him. Ichigo hauls himself back.

“Sorry for the intrusion!” He yells backpedaling rapidly. Turns back and watches to see if it follows when he is back on paved stone.

Nothing follows, and Ichigo watches a heartbeat longer before resuming his journey. The change at the threshold of the gate is less jarring each time.

Knowing the shops and restaurants would still be closed at this time of day, Ichigo turns to the residential district, if it could be called that. The trees that line the narrow streets aren’t the Japanese maples he’s used to, and they aren’t the ginkgo trees that some cities have started planting. Ichigo can’t quite place them, but the gnarled trunks and waxy leaves suite Tianhei.

The streets are quiet, but by no means deserted. There is the constant sound of a broom being swept across the paving stones as a yokai resembling an old woman tidied up the fallen leaves and dirt accumulated in front of her doors. A yokai with legs for arms haggles with the skeletal figure of the vendor. There is a heated game of mahjong being played in one of the buildings, the shuffle and rattle of tiles echoing out of the slatted windows. Clothing lines and electric wires crisscross the space between the trees creating a spiderweb of countless objects.

He lets himself wander. There is maybe two hours before the sun starts to really dip below the horizon, and Ichigo takes the time to look around. The smaller streets don’t seem to have much rhyme or reason, but the larger ones seem to. Following a decent sized one, the street opens up into a small square occupied by a group yokai seemingly hard at work. Ichigo walks closer to see what they are doing.

There are coils of rope sitting snaking all around where the yokai sit, and Ichigo watches enthralled as they bicker between themselves, twisting more rope together all the while.

“You there. Are you just going to stand there like a lout?” One of them demands. Ichigo jumps both surprise and reflexive guilt.

“I was just –“ He starts

“About to sit down and help.” Another finishes for him. Before Ichigo can defend himself and escape, a space opens up in the circle and a stool is slammed down like a challenge.

“I don’t know what to do?” He tries, only to get scoffed at.

“It’s easy to teach, sit down.”

Sighing Ichigo does as he’s told, still interested despite the impromptu enlistment.

Sitting, he shrugs off his school bag and is promptly handed stringy fibers and a wooden dowel.

“Here.” The yokai on his left says, its scaly hands showing him how to organize and wrap the fibers around the dowel. Ichigo watches, more than a little impressed at the deftness of the yokai. Once that’s done, Ichigo does his best to copy the yokai as they twist the fibers together over and over.

“No no no. Like this.” The yokai on his other side says, pulling the dowel and fibers tighter so they don’t bunch together like they were trying to do.

It wasn’t hard, it just took a little to get the hang of.

Letting his hands do the work Ichigo observes the square curiously. It’s relatively wide open, the tree branches not reaching the center, leaving an uneven eye of blue above them. There is an announcement board to one side, stone table and stools to another, and even a sculpture of a catfish twice as long as Ichigo was tall occupying one corner of the square. The shops, or maybe apartments, were behind the trees creating the illusion of separation.

When he gets to the end of the length of fiber, the yokai on his left shows him how to braid the lengths together.

“That’s all you need to know. Just keep doing that and you’ll have a rope in no time.” It says.

They ring out his life’s story before he knows it. Asking him question after question. It should feel like an interrogation, but it just feels like how people describe family reunions full of snoopy relatives. Ichigo is as vague but tells them what he can without being suspicious.

He’s thankful when their attention wains as they run out of questions, and Ichigo does his best to keep his head down and work on his rope, shaking out his hands when they cramp and listens as the yokai around him gossip on and on. Ichigo gets the impression that he’s surrounded by old people, not that he can tell in most cases. He’s not really sure how to guess the age of a yokai with a barrel for a head.

Shaking out his hands for the umpteenth time, Ichigo takes advantage of the lull in conversation to ask the obvious question.

“What are all of these for?”

Thankfully none of the yokai laugh at him.

“Oh, I guess they don’t look like the one in the festival yet, but you have to start somewhere!” One of the more personable yokai answers.

“We twist these together and then the night before the race we twist _those_ together to make the mooring rope.” She explains. Ichigo nods his head like he understands. Which he does, he just doesn’t know what they hell the mooring rope is used for, but he doesn’t want to ask and have to answer any questions about his ignorance.

The conversation turns to the festival and Ichigo sits quietly and absorbs the information as his hands keep twisting the rope together. None of the information is very useful without the context behind it. They talk about which teams they think will win, what they are packing.

“I think we should bring our own tent this year. Ume’s was too crowded last year.” One of them complains, a mutter of agreement goes through them and the conversation turns to which of them will bring the tent.

All useless information to Ichigo of course. He’s not going.

Because traipsing across Hueco Mundo chasing after a goddamned dragon wasn’t something you just did for fun.

One of them gets up and leaves, coming back with a teapot the size of a watering can and a stack of cups balanced in his other hand. The work pauses as the cups are passed around the circle and the yokai comes around to fill their cups. Ichigo quickly follows the other’s lead by setting the cup on the ground rather than holding it. Smart move going by the way the steaming tea sloshes and overfills the cup as the yokai pours.

Waiting a few minutes for it to cool Ichigo reaches down to pick the tea up and hisses as the cup burns his fingers. The motion of his fingers jerking back is enough to dislodges something in his haori.

Urahara’s little necklace falls to the ground next to his tea. Tisking Ichigo picks it up and goes to put it back. An objective slightly hindered by the fact that he doesn’t have any pockets. His wallet and everything just sort of sit in the loose space created by the layers of fabric. Ichigo shoves the necklace in the front pocket of his backpack just to be done with it.

The cup is still burning hot.

It’s such bullshit. The cup is always hotter than the fucking sun and the tea is always the perfect warm inside. Like it’s taunting you to have a sip but only at the cost of the nerves in your fingers. But really, it’s barley tea, and who need to have feeling in their fingers? Not a great idea when he has to use his now tender fingers to twit the rope, but you live and you learn.

“Hmm, that’s long enough for that one. Tie it off like this.” The yokai on his right says, demonstrating the knot to use.

Ichigo uses it as an excuse to stand up. The sun had set while he was working, and Ichigo figures this is a good time to make his escape. He picks up his bag and addresses the circle of yokai he had just spent the last hour and a half with.

“It was good meeting you, I’ve got to get going.” He says by way of goodbye.

“Good meeting you too, Ichigo. You’ll see what we mean about the ropes in a few days! Don’t miss it!” One of them calls.

He’ll have to ask Toda when the rope thing starts, when the race starts too. Even if he’s not going, it would still be interesting to watch the start of it.

It’s a little later than Ichigo would like, but he had been sort of committed to finishing his rope. He picks up the pace as he heads to Tushou. Laoban is waiting for him at the door.

“Hurry up, mutt! You two idiots are the first fight of the nigh.” The yokai yells at him, bodily shoving Ichigo down the hall and to the booth.

“How was I supposed to know that?” Ichigo gripes back but hurrying regardless. Signing in, stripping down shoving everything into his locker, only pausing long enough to grab his hand wraps before slamming it shut and shoving the key in his pants.

Laoban is there, his hands, human-ish ones and the ones on his beard both grabbing Ichigo and the strips of cloth, wrapping Ichigo’s hands expertly.

“Go go go.” The yokai urges, shoving Ichigo again.

Heart beating fast Ichigo takes a breath and another.

With a smile that is more than a little excited, Ichigo steps into the ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of an in-between chapter, but with Ichigo being a sad boy and some hints none the less. I didn't plan on making this its own chapter, but it was getting hella long even without the fight and the stuff after, so I just decided to make it into its own thing. Things are moving and grooving, big things happening soon, maybe two more chapters ish (which I know I said something like 'only five more chapters' like five chapters ago lol). Also I have this idea in my head how all the yokai get to Hueco Mundo en mass and I think it is the absolute bat-shit insane that would be fun af lol
> 
> Things are going pretty slow writing wise, I don't know if I mentioned this last time but I have some future chapters done already I just need to do the connecting ones. I'm really excited for them all! Thank you to everything that leaves comments and kudos! I love hearing what you thing and you guys ask really thoughtful questions that help me hammer out more of the story!


	12. Fair is Fair

The grin stretched across Ichigo’s face is mirrored by the one on Toda’s.

The light and the clamor of the yokai above is loud against the beating of his own heart and Ichigo bounces on the balls of his feet and shakes out his hands to manage the sudden jittery excitement. Toda’s hands flex as he does the same, the stretch and pull of two sets of shoulders as strangely mesmerizing as it is unnatural.

Ichigo has a feeling he already missed Toda’s grandstanding for the night. Not waiting any time, they square up, Toda giving him that same cocky smile. It is somehow even more annoying with his still bruised eyes and missing teeth.

The bell rings.

Toda is the one that makes the first move this time. He swipes at Ichigo’s face, but Ichigo was expecting it. Dances back with a laugh.

“We’ve been over this Toda! I’m too pretty to let you ruin my face!” Ichigo jokes even as he pivots to take advantage of the opening Toda’s attack makes in the yokai’s guard. Toda is probably expecting a jab. The high kick Ichigo plants in the space between Toda’s still outstretched arm and his lower shoulder makes the yokai grunt in pain.

“I don’t remember pretty being the word I used.” Toda returns voice drawn out and annoying, stepping close to Ichigo as he does. Pivoting himself, Toda swings with both of is right hands, entire body twisting into the motion. Ichigo eats the body shot, his ribs sharply reminding him they were probably still cracked. Toda’s other fist slams into Ichigo’s forearm as it curls defensively across his head.

Pushing the blow away just as the momentum of it slows, Ichigo uses the same motion to twist forward and swing his other elbow forward to clip Toda in the chin –

Doesn’t follow through with the momentum and slams that same arm downward to block Toda’s reaching arms, backpedals rapidly.

“Why so scared?” Toda mocks, Ichigo would roll his eyes at the stupid B movie villain dialogue if he wasn’t so focused on making Toda eat his own teeth again.

They circle each other for one pace then two, Ichigo lunging forward as Toda’s weight shifts to his off foot. Ichigo sneaks a cheeky jab through Toda’s guard, not enough to do any real damage but just to fuck with him. Toda responds with an unexpected kick, not graceful or even aimed properly, but enough of a surprise to make Ichigo take a step back. Toda pushes into the space, fist jabbing up through the bottom of Ichigo’s guard to slam into the underside of his jaw. It’s only Ichigo’s mask that keeps the hit off his chin enough not to knock Ichigo’s lights out right then and there.

Kicking forward Ichigo gets some distance between them as he tries to shake the stars out of his vision.

Toda’s hand is bleeding form the hit, little droplets of blood splattering across the dirt as he shakes out the appendage.

“Almost got you there didn’t I?” He teases, advancing. Ichigo responds with a garbled laugh, the underside of his jaw and throat throbbing form the hit. He swats Toda’s jab away, still retreating as he tries to shake off the hit.

“Almost.” He agrees.

Toda keeps pushing forward, but he’s a little too greedy for it, overstepping just enough for Ichigo to hook his heel behind Toda’s ankle and jerk his foot forward. It makes Toda stumble, head dipping forward and arms going out to balance automatically. Ichigo slams his right fist into Toda’s face, a clean shot.

But not enough to down the yokai.

Toda twists with the movement, spinning one eighty and with the momentum of Ichigo’s hit. The back of Toda’s hand clipping his shoulder before slamming into Ichigo’s head.

Ichigo staggers with the hit, turning away from the yokai and giving Toda his back just for a second.

Still unbalanced, Toda’s weight against his back sends Ichigo to his knees. He twists so they land on their shoulders instead of Ichigo going into the dirt face first. Toda’s arms are already wrapped around Ichigo’s throat. Ichigo slams his elbow back into Toda’s ribs, once, twice, three times before Toda’s lower arm locks elbows with Ichigo, halting that attempt to get away.

Toda’s forearm is a steel band across his neck, almost making him gag before he manages to tuck his chin into the crease of Toda’s elbow.

He doesn’t have much time.

Ichigo wrenches his entire lower body away form Toda, trying to keep the yokai from catching any of his other limbs. Damn near guillotining himself in the process. With one arm still locked in Toda’s he can’t get very far, but it’s enough to try and work his free arm up and under the choke hole Toda has on him. Ideally. In a perfect world.

Toda’s leg reaches out and hooks over the top of Ichigo’s thigh, locking behind Ichigo’s knee and pulling Ichigo back against the yokai.

_Ah fuck, how annoying –_

Toda was going to be insufferable.

Toda rolls them to the other side so Ichigo’s free arm is no longer protected by it’s pace flush against the ground. More than a little peeved Ichigo slams his elbow into Toda’s ribs on the off chance the pain with loosen the yokai’s grip. It doesn’t. Ichigo’s vision has already gone black around the edges and is shrinking every heartbeat. Toda’s other arm locks around Ichigo’s and Toda hooks his other leg over Ichigo’s thigh, locking his ankles together.

Ichigo can’t move.

A double tringle hold is nearly impossible to get out of. With an extra set of arms in the mix? Ichigo is shit out of luck.

“Tap out you stupid bastard.” Toda hisses in his ear.

Ichigo contemplates holding out just to be stubborn, but no –

Having to be carried out of the rink is a little more humiliating in this particular situation. Two quick taps and the bell rings.

Toda uncoils from around him like a snake, patting Ichigo twice on the side as they roll away from each other.

“Good fight.” Toda says climbing to his feet. Ichigo is a little slower, letting his vision clear before taking the offered hand and being pulled to his feet.

Ichigo tries to respond in kind but all that comes out is a rasp unheard over the din from the crowd. He coughs and it comes out ragged.

Annoying.

Ichigo gives Toda a thumbs up instead, making Toda’s smile turn both sympathetic and smug at the same time if that was posable.

“Shoulda tapped sooner.” He says teasingly.

Ichigo flips him the bird as they turn and walk out their respective gates.

The noise and light of the arena is blessedly muted as the doors slide closed again.

Laoban is standing there.

“Good fight, you two are a good match. Upstairs enjoyed it too, the back and forth keeps those addicts guessing.” Is what he says. Ichigo gives a thumbs up. Laoban laughs at him.

“Go to the medic if you need to, I’ll let you open up a tab. Don’t try to skip out after racking it up, we have a little pen in the basement where we keep yokai like that.” He warns, the smile on his face a little too gleeful.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Ichigo says, forcing out each syllable past the burning in his throat. The words come out raspy and two toned.

One of the arms on Laoban’s beard reaches out to slap his shoulder in encouragement as he walks by.

Ichigo doesn’t go to the medic, nothing had popped in his throat, so there really wasn’t anything to do be ice it and go easy on the shouting for a while.

It’s a feat of coordination being able to bite and untuck the end of his hand wraps with the teeth of his mask, but Ichigo keeps his fingernails short and Laoban was too experienced at his job for Ichigo to be able to use his fingers. Walking over to his locker Ichigo re-rolls the wraps and digs out his water bottle from the bottom of his bag. His hand brushes the unexpected feeling of cold metal and Ichigo grabs the object on instinct and pulls it out of his bag.

A skull grins at him.

That’s right, he had forgotten to give it back to Urahara when he’d been at the shop. Stupid.

Ichigo –

Ichigo really hates that little skull. Hates how much it reminds him of the badge he threw away, hates how seeing this shitty little keychain can ruin his mood so quickly.

“Are you heading out?” Toda’s voice asks form behind him. Ichigo curls his fingers around the keychain.

“Naw, I was just going for a walk, you wanna come?” Ichigo asks, voice still raspy as he stares at his closed fist.

“Sure, I can walk the adrenaline of winning off.” Toda agrees, voice smug.

It makes Ichigo laugh despite himself.

“I don’t think I was this much of a bastard when I won.” He says, shaking off the bad mood and reaching into his locker. He forgoes his undershirt, not willing to take the time to tie the layers into place, and just pulls haori out, wearing it like a jacket. Toda doesn’t bother getting dressed, if his dinky little vest could be called ‘dressed’. Ichigo slaps his locker shut and turns to

“A missed opportunity on your part. But I think it was because I hurt your feelings when I called you ugly. Who would have thought you were such a vain guy?” He teases falling into step with Ichigo as they leave the rink.

Ichigo snorts.

“It’s not vain if it’s true.” Ichigo says primly, dramatically sliding the back of his hand across the bone of his cheek like he was some old timey actress. It makes Toda laugh and chases away the lingering cloud around Ichigo.

Ichigo leads them through the winding streets and he sees piles of ropes in odd places everywhere.

“Hey when is the rope thing?” He asks.

Toda’s face lights up.

“In three days! Are you going to come? We can be a team, no one else will stand a chance.” He says excitedly.

 _Of course they won’t_ is what Ichigo wants to say.

“No, I can’t. But I want to see the thing with ropes and the start of the race.”

Toda deflates at his words.

“ _Tch,_ what do you have to do that is better than fucking off to the desert to party for a few days?” Toda demands, giving Ichigo a disgusted look out of the corner of his eye.

The question brings Ichigo up short.

School is the first answer that comes to mind. His sisters are the next. Ichigo can’t come up with a third and he hates that too.

“I can’t be gone that long.” Is what he says. It sounds weak even to his own ears. Toda looks at him a little longer before tisking again.

Ichigo is thankful when Toda asks a question rather than letting them stew in annoyed silence.

“What’s up with your skin? You get bitten by something?” The yokai asks. It takes Ichigo a second to get what he means, looking down at his gut and the patch of discolored skin and the veins of white around it. Ichigo laughs.

“That’s where you nearly punched my fucking guts out, dumbass. I almost died.” Ichigo says, no real bit in his words. Ichigo has to swallow a few times to try and ease the burn of speaking.

Ichigo comes to a stop and pulls his haori to the side so Toda can see where the damage was. He doesn’t look guilty, Ichigo would have though less of him if he had. There was nothing to be guilty about, it was a good fight.

“Huh, wild.” It the yokai’s only commentary, he reaches out and pokes the spot, laughing as Ichigo bats his hand away.

“Quit that.” Ichigo hisses as he does it again.

“It’s cold, do you still have feeling in it?” He asks as they start walking again.

“Yeah, my - It’s my skin, just healed a different color.” Ichigo says in explanation. Ichigo almost mentions Zangetsu, but no. That wasn’t something Ichigo wanted to talk about right now, didn’t want to think about right now. Ichigo isn’t sure if the burn in his throat is from being choked out or from something else.

It’s a nice walk, the night air is cool and the yokai are just as lively as ever, maybe even more so. Ichigo’s eye catches on a restaurant filled with tables, bubbling pots on each filled with little skewers immersed in the frothing liquid. The smell that drifts out of it makes Ichigo’s stomach growl. He resolves to come back when he has the money for it.

Winding thought the streets Ichigo leads them to the pagoda, the towering structure just as incredible as it was the first time. Ichigo still can’t get over the way the light shimmers off of the painted crossbeams, the twisting lines of gold creating figures and words in the wood, each different form the next. Ichigo wonders if they tell a story.

Ichigo walks them towards the bucket, the tigers looming over them. Toda starts patting himself down.

“If I’d known we were coming here I would have brought something.” He says in annoyance.

“Yeah sorry. I wasn’t really thinking.” Ichigo apologizes, coming to a stop. Ichigo still doesn’t know what he is thinking. Doesn’t know why he decided to take the time to walk all the way here when he could have just thrown the keychain in the trash instead.

Maybe he just wants the damn thing an entire dimension away.

Ichigo carelessly tosses the keychain into the pale, is thankful when it lands skull down. Toda looks over his shoulder in interest but doesn’t ask what he is throwing down.

He glances at the rhyme and snorts.

Ichigo lets the wight of the bucket pull the rope through his hands and watches as it disappears into the darkness. Getting to the end, Ichigo has to resist the urge to just let go all together, poem or not, Ichigo knows he’s not lucky enough for this either.

He waits a few seconds like Toda had mentioned, eyes narrowing when he feels a _shift_ -

Ichigo starts to pull the bucket up, heart beating a little faster as he feels the noticeable difference in weight as he does.

Toda is nearly vibrating in excitement next to him.

Ichigo’s movements turn jerky mouth goes dry why the bucket emerges from the gloom. Ichigo keeps pulling until the handle of the bucket is in his hand.

The sword is beautiful, tied to the bucket by its sageo, the red cord threaded through with gold. The bone white of the sheath matches the hilt.

Ichigo reaches out but –

He can’t force himself to touch it.

His fingers hover over the hilt and there is _nothing_. No steady warmth, no instinctive pull, everything in his chest is still cold and dead and hurts just as much as when Ichigo shattered them apart.

Ichigo lets go of the bucket.

It bounces off the raised edge of the well and goes tumbling down into the dark. Ichigo watches numbly as the rope rapidly follows.

It is silent for a long time, Toda looking back and forth between Ichigo and the well.

“It really has a sense of humor, doesn’t it?” Ichigo finally says, voice breaking every other word.

“Yeah.” Toda agrees.

A beat passes.

“You wanna go get smashed?” Toda offers.

Ichigo can’t think of a single thing in the world that sound better.

“Yeah, I do.”

Toda sits them down at the first bar they pass, and Ichigo does his very best not to remember anymore of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter so soon! I am really excited for the next few chapters and really wanted to get to them! This one is a little more unpolished than most so there is porb more spelling and grammar issues than usual but yolo I am going rabid over here, I can't wait! Fight scenes usually take me a really long time bc I sit there and tweak them again and again but I didn't this time so that probably shows there.   
> Some quality time developing Toda and his relationship with Ichigo, the best of bros over here. I want to add more yokai that Ichigo interacts with on a regular basis but that is going to have to wait for a little while. We got some moving and grooving to do first.   
> Also I kinda lost track of what day of the week it was in the story, but the assumption is Ichigo is going to school in the morning. Depending on how everything goes, there is either one or two more chapters for the big reveal! And then that starts the next part of the story! I have a character/ plot device planned that I am kinda iffy about, not so much if I am going to add it, but if people will like it lol But we'll get there when we get there! Thank you to everyone for the comments and kudos! I can't wait to hear what you think!


	13. All We Fear Slithers in the Dark

Ichigo wakes up and immediately wishes he had just died I his sleep. His head throbs with ever beat of his heart and his stomach feels like it’s about to come out of his nose if he breaths too hard.

 _Where in the fuck - ?_ Is Ichigo’s first and abjectly _pissed_ thought.

He’s lying on a stiff cot and it takes more resolve than most of the battels he’s fought to peel one eye open. It’s blessedly dark in the space, so small it feels like a broom closet. Ichigo lets out a groan and rolls over to his side to start the long process of getting up without puking. An answering groan drifts up from below. Scooting gracelessly to the edge of the cot and looking down reveals Toda laying on a similar cot below.

“Where are we?” Ichigo croaks out, mouth dry and rotten tasting.

Toda only grunts in answer. Ichigo would care more, but his biggest problem was getting down without dying. He starts by sliding his foot over, kicking what feels like his backpack on his way, until the appendage is hanging in the air. Ichigo moves his other leg next, slides down until most of his lower body is dangling off the cot. Sucking it up, Ichigo lets gravity slide him down. He lands on his feet, but that doesn’t prevent his stomach form twisting in on itself and his mouth flooding with saliva. Ichigo stands there, white-knuckle grip on the edge of the bunk. Staring blankly and waiting to see if he is going to empty his stomach or not, he makes eye contact with Toda where he is huddled in the lower bunk.

“If you puke on me, I’ll never forgive you, you bastard.” Toda hisses, one set of arms wrapped around his own stomach and the other curled around his head protectively to keep the light and noise out.

Ichigo gives him a weak thumbs up, waiting a few more seconds before he can even open his mouth to speak.

“Where is this?” Ichigo finally manages.

“Employees quarters of Tushou. You owe me so much money.” Toda rasps, his voice as dry as Ichigo’s mouth feels.

“I’ll get you back.” Ichigo assures, leaning forward to rest his head against the arm braced on the top bunk. The pounding in his head makes his whole skull throb.

He hates owing people money. Ichigo knows how slippery of a slope that can be, had been hired by debt sharks to ‘help’ their debtors come up with the money owed. Ichigo doubts Toda is a stickler about getting his money back right away, but Ichigo is a stickler about not letting things like that idle. He resolves to come back tonight and ask Laoban for some time working the arena.

Ichigo thinks about going back to sleep, but doubts he could crawl back into the top bunk, and he doubts even more that Toda would share.

“Did I check out?” Ichigo asks, not raising his head.

“Yeah.” Comes the groggy reply. Ichigo is more than a little jealous that Toda doesn’t have shit like school to drag him out of sleep.

“I’ll be back tonight.”

Ichigo gets a pained groan in response.

Grabbing his backpack, Ichigo drags his sorry ass out of the little room. The hallway he steps out into is impressively long, sliding doors extending both ways. Ichigo turns right, walking towards the end closest, hand hovering close to the wall for balance. Ichigo’s lucky enough that he picked the right way, the hallway opening up into the first floor of the arena, just a little doorway situated between the kitchen and the medic. The rink is quiet, painful light steaming in through the cracks of the sliding windows, turning the space eerily, dust molts getting caught in the bars of light.

Ichigo makes his way to the showers, can’t decide if a warm or cold will make him feel better, and goes with a sort of luke warm. It’s the most half-assed shower he’s ever taken, just standing under the water and hoping it’s enough to wash off the stench of alcohol and cigarettes. He’s so drained he has to sit down on one of the benches as he gets dressed.

The same yokai as always is manning the desk, Ichigo ignores the way her shoulders shake in silent amusement as he shuffles by.

The second Ichigo opens the door to leave he lets out a hiss of pain and slams it shut again. He feels like he’s been blinded, the white phantom of outside sticking to his vision with each rapid blink. The pounding in his head rises to a new level and the pain twists his stomach harder. Groaning he wonders what the fuck he is going to do if he can’t even step outside without his headache flaring enough to make him puke.

Ge stands there for an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure it out, and the solution isn’t even worse.

He digs in his backpack, pulls out his bad of sticky notes. Ichigo stares resigned at the neon green paper.

 _I’m a goddamn innovator, a fucking genius._ Ichigo thinks savagely, a little pissed at everything right then.

Sticking one over each eye hole of his mask, leaving enough of a sliver to see, Ichigo steps out into a neon green world.

He can’t tell what time it is, late going by how bright the sun is, but fuck looking up to try and take a better guess. He’ll get to school when he gets there.

Ichigo walks with his head down and the unpleasant knowledge that if he does end up getting sick, he’s going to have to clean out the inside of his mask. Ichigo takes it slow.

He knows he passes under Huotan by the soft snoring coming form above, him at two points. The streets are busy as usually for a Friday, and with each conversation and squeaky brake, he wonders if he would have been luckier to get alcohol poisoning and die in his sleep.

Hopping the fence and not spilling his guts after is a feat he considers greater than defeating Zaraki.

Students are milling around the exercise yard, which means it’s lunchtime and Ichigo’s timing is as impeccable as always.

He is able to slip into the classroom and head for his seat among all the clamor, but his presence doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Ichigo!” Keigo announces loudly. Ichigo debates strangling him. Decides there is no reason not to.

“Shut the fuck up, I have a headache.” He says blandly, putting the brunet in a mock headlock as he walks over, his friends deciding to haunt Ichigo’s desk despite him not being there. Ichigo shoves Keigo’s face down so his reply is muffled in Ichigo’s arm.

“A headache?” Tatsuki drawls out skeptically. Mizuiro laughs at Keigo’s predicament.

“Yeah.”

“Sure.” She relents, lips twitching in amusement.

Ichigo lets go of Keigo and slips into his regular seat, the other boy dramatically gasping for air as Ichigo lets go.

“How is it in your new homeroom, Mizuiro?” Ichigo asks, very much not interested in talking about himself or even talking at all. He pulls out his water bottle and sips on it gingerly as he listens to Mizuiro talk about his new classmates.

It’s actually a little interesting, Ichigo is braindead enough right then that he can only comprehend what Mizuiro is saying, the excitement and amusement of the other boy seeming to beam itself into Ichigo’s mind, the background noise in his head dying a painful death in the presence of his hangover. The conversation turns to what they are planning for the weekend, which is not much considering they have a test next week. Keigo joking that he’s not going to study.

“If I don’t know it by now, I won’t know it ever.” Are his exact words.

They offer him some of their lunch, snacks for Keigo and actual food from Tatsuki and Mizuiro, but Ichigo turns them down. Even just the water feels dangerous, Ichigo actually able to feel the cold liquid pool in his stomach like a threat.

The bell rings and Ichigo debates shoving his pen into his eardrums to escape the sound. Their teacher gives Ichigo a dirty look as he notices Ichigo’s appearance.

Resting his face in his hands, the sticky notes are a shock when they hit his skin. He had forgotten about them. Ignoring the questions that brings up, Ichigo tries his best to rest.

Ichigo’s headache dulls as the minutes go by, and by the time the bell rings for the day the urge to crawl under a rock and die had abated somewhat.

Ichigo meanders home, body sluggish in a way he’s not used to. He’s never been so thankful to fall into his bed.

There is something weirdly comforting about letting yourself fall asleep during the daytime. He pulls his curtains shut, but the light still bleeds in, bathing everything in a muted glow. Pealing the sticky notes off his mask, he faceplants into his pillow.

He drifts in and out, waking when the door opens and shuts, and mindlessly tracking his sisters footsteps through the house. Yuzu knocks on his door at one point, but he is too sleepy to answer.

Ichigo wakes up to a growling stomach and the feeling of being wrung out like a rag. Gingerly he sits up, waiting to see if he stomach will rebel once again, and is rewarded with only the hollow feeling of his gut sticking to his spine. Standing works better, only a few spots appearing in his vision before disappearing.

Thinking about the plate of food Yuzu had promised yesterday, Ichigo heads to the kitchen, stopping by to check on the twins as he does.

They are sleeping soundly, Yuzu sprawled everywhere and Karin curled in on herself. Ichigo turns to leave

A footstep –

Ichigo turns back, snarl already on his face. Eyes narrowed He ghosts into the twin’s room, ears straining for that out of place sound.

Fury is licking at him, bubbling up in his chest at the thought of some ghost hovering over his sisters as they slept.

Ichigo could call Urahara for this, hell, even Isshin would do.

Ichigo hates their father a little just then, letting some ghost linger in their house like it could become a hollow at any time.

It’s nearly silent in the room, just three steady heartbeats, the crickets and the distant traffic.

Ichigo waits, listens and watches.

His eyes zero in on the slight scuff of a shoe on hardwood.

He feels his eyes straining as they try to focus on _something_ , something he can almost see. A spider’s web invisible until it catches the light of the sun. Something shimmering –

Ichigo reaches out, hand clawing around _something_.

“I would be very quiet if I were you. I’m not as nice as Karin.” Ichigo warns the spirit as he drags it closer to him, its shoes scuffling the floor.

It is silent for a second. Ichigo waiting to see if it would wake up the twins. Ichigo still couldn’t hear what it was saying, if anything, couldn’t hardly see it either. It was just a warm shimmer caught in the cage of his fingers.

Karin shifts but doesn’t wake.

“Smart choice.” Ichigo acknowledges, dragging the ghost with him as he exists the twin’s room, pads down the stairs and out the door.

The night is pleasant, would be more pleasant if Ichigo didn’t have to be out in it bare foot and shirtless. His stomach growls at him and it just makes him madder as Ichigo continues his forced march halfway down the block, the phantom weight in his hand doesn’t get heaver, but it gets brighter. Two sets of footsteps echoing in the night, Ichigo’s nearly silent and the halting scuffled steps of whoever he was dragging along.

Coming to a stop in the middle of the street, Ichigo turns face the spirit. He doesn’t let go, not trusting he will be able to see it once he does.

“I’m not interested in who you are, or what happened. I can’t help you, but if you go straight down this street past the big intersection with the subway, take a right at Fugato street and keep walking until you see a ‘Urahara Shoten’ on your left. The man there can help.” Ichigo lists out slowly. He feels sorry for whatever dead bastard it is, but not sorry enough to walk it all the way to the shop in the middle of the night. He lets go of it, and the little shimmer of light consolidates into a ball. It hovers there, just a little phantom in the open air.

Ichigo cocks his head to the side and listens.

‘No no no, you don’t understand! I’m so alone! She can see me! She can see me! I won’t leave her!’ it wails frantically, all age and gender stolen away by its panic.

It tries to go around Ichigo. Back to the house.

‘I won’t leave her! You can’t make me!’ it wails.

Ichigo reaches out and snatches it out of the air.

‘ow ow ow! It hurts! Let go! You can’t make me!’

Ichigo feels the whisper of pressure against his wrist, like fingers scrabbling to make him let go.

“I told you. I can’t help you, and you are not getting near my sisters again. Understand?” Ichigo snarls, wondering if he really is going to have to walk this dumbass ghost all the way to Urahara’s in the middle of the night.

His stomach growls again and his fingers constrict around what must be the ghost’s chain of fate. The little orb hums faintly in the cage of his fingers. In the back of his mind, Ichigo _knows_ what the orb is, but –

_I’m so hungry_

He doesn’t acknowledge it.

‘I won’t go! I’ll just come back! She’s mine!’ It howls, making rage and disgust bubble up in his chest.

_Like I’d ever let you get near her again_

His fingers tighten around the orb.

There is something writhing in his chest, and he doesn’t know if it’s his own revulsion, or if it is the _hunger_. It –

He wonders what it would taste like? Would it be warm? Would the little ball _pop_ under his teeth? Would –

Ichigo lets the little orb go.

“If you don’t leave right now, I’m going to break your legs and drag you to that shop.” Ichigo hisses taking a step closer to the ghost. The orb moves back, Ichigo can hear the its pathetic sobs, can almost see the outline of a person.

The hunger in his gut twists enough to make him lose his breath, but he turns away to go home.

Ichigo turns away, but he can’t make himself move.

More than hunger is the fear, the _pleasepleaseplease_ coming from someplace in the center of his chest that had been dead for so long.

Ichigo doesn’t think, doesn’t hesitate. The orb is still floating there when he turns back, that’s its mistake. It is warm in his mouth, splits so easily under his teeth, feels so good sliding down his throat.

It makes him gag.

_Nonononono_

He gags again. He’s on his hands and knees heaving bile onto the pavements, but that little orb doesn’t come back. He can’t pretend the tears are from anything other than the horror.

He ate –

Ichigo can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t understand the world past the horror of what he just did.

He expects the world to stop, for everything around him to freeze like his own thoughts. Some part of him expects a Shinigami to jump out of the bushes and cut him down like the monster –

Ichigo just wants everything to _stop_ for a second –

Just so he can _understand_.

But the world doesn’t stop. The crickets keep singing. The breeze keeps a meandering thought the streets, chilling the already cold sweat on his skin. He can hear the rapid beat of bats wings as they flitter overhead, catching the moths haunting the streetlights. His own vomit slowly runs towards the gutter, the acid still coating his throat and making it burn.

He’s not hungry anymore.

Ichigo grits his teeth, can barely breath past his stuttering breaths.

He makes himself get up, focuses on the rough surface of the pavement on his palms and the souls of his feet. He warps his arms around himself and turns back to the house. Stops again.

Was it even safe for him to be around his sisters after –

Ichigo turns around and walks the other way. Walks and walks until trees surround him and the familiar smell of cigarette smoke drifts to him and then keeps walking, unable to respond to Huotan’s greeting, not the first or the second. Just keeps walking in the dark and thinks of nothing.

 _Please not now._ Ichigo begs silently as he notices glowing eyes looking at him from that fucking well.

“I take it you didn’t like my gift, Ichigo?” A woman’s voice calls.

It’s not hard to connect the dots.

“No, sorry. My Mom taught me never to accept gifts from strangers.” He bites out sarcastically, voice nothing but venom. He stupidly comes to a stop at the intersection anyway.

“Yes. That sounds like something Masaki would teach you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rip @ me lol sorry it's been a hot sec since I updated. School has been kicking my ass and I haven't had time to sit down and write anything that doesn't use MLA formatting and citation lol I am so excited for this story still! And I am having a blast reading all the comments everyone leaves. Thank you! 
> 
> Also rip Ichigo and his hangover lol, recovery can be a two day event sometimes if you don't refuel on electrolytes, or I guess in this case a ghost haunting your sister lol Moving and grooving, next chapter is the 'what the fuck' moment of the story. Maybe you can guess where I am going with this, and hopefully I set everything up where nothing comes out of left field. I already have most of that one written, so it shouldn't be nearly as long of a pause between chapters. Thank you again to everyone! I love hearing what you think!


	14. Sins of Your Mothers

Ichigo’s heart stops.

“What – “ Ichigo can’t finish the question, doesn’t know what he fuck to ask. Those yellow eyes stare at him from the dark, he can just barely make out a from sitting on the edge of the well.

“How do you know that name?” He finally manages to ask, each word precise, the edges glass sharp. The eyes narrow in amusement.

“She was my friend.” The thing says. Ichigo’s eyes narrow, a two toned snarl ripping out of his mouth.

“You’re going to want to be a little more specific.” Ichigo bites out coolly, just stopping himself from stepping off the path.

She laughs at him, voice fluttering through the air like chimes.

“How much more specific do you need me to be?” She asks, voice amused. Snarling again Ichigo stalks towards her.

“Quit playing games.” He hisses, clenching his fists, striding closer still – Ichigo freezes in surprise.

“That mask – !”

Tensa Zangetsu’s skull looks at him.

Not a perfect copy, but so close it make’s Ichigo’s heart stop in recognition.

“Who are you?” His voice is more brittle than he means for it to be.

“Chiyoko. It’s good to see you again, Ichigo.”

There is not a single aspect about this that Ichigo doesn’t loathe with everything he has in him. But even so, Ichigo takes another step closer, then another, until he’s standing only a few arms lengths away from her. Hair as bone white as the skull, simple red kimono draped over a sharp frame. She has omamori handing from her horns. Some little slats of wood, coins, others in little colorful bags like the one –

Ichigo hates this.

“I don’t remember meeting.” He says instead of the frustrated snarl building in his chest.

“No, you were still little when she stopped bringing you. It’s not surprising you don’t remember me.” Chiyoko acknowledges with a dip of her head. The omamori gently rattling together. Ichigo’s heart hurts.

 _I do remember_ he almost says. Her laugh, how strangely familiar the well was when he first saw it. A faded memory that might have been a dream.

“Why would my mother know a yokai?” If that is even what she is.

Some part of him knows, or maybe suspects. All the little hints, all the questions with answers that don’t quite fit.

“One day she threw something down my well.”

_And pulled something up_

“We became good friends after.”

Ichigo is silent. He doesn’t know if he wants her to keep speaking.

She does anyway.

“Misaki would come see me when she could. I enjoyed seeing the both of you.” Chiyoko’s voice is gentle.

Ichigo wants to scream. At the roundabout answer, and at the pathetic gratitude he has for her not saying it outright. It hurts less when he can pretend a little longer.

Ichigo doesn’t answer. Chiyoko doesn’t ask for one. Instead she reaches into her kimono, and Ichigo watches in sickened fascination as hands reach from the inside and pull the fabric apart, only revealing more bone white hands, instead of anything resembling a torso. Reaching into the writhing mass she pulls out –

A doll?

“You didn’t like my gift, I changed it to this.” She says by way of explanation. Ichigo looks in at the limp little body she’s cradling her arms. Porcelain white, the size of a newborn but the proportions of a toddler. It’s joints move unnaturally human like as she rocks it back and forth gently. The mask on its face is a blank mirror of Ichigo’s own.

“I don’t want it.” He says numbly.

Chiyoko’s eyes narrow into slits.

“Oh? Well no matter. It’s useless to me.” She acknowledges, shifting the doll. One spindly hand wrapping cruelly around its head and the other around its chest to pull –

“No!” Ichigo shouts, lunging forward. She doesn’t fight him when he snatches the doll form her arms before she completes the motion. The almost _pop_ of a spine snapping still echoing in his mind. He has the little thing wrapped in his arms, one hand curled protectively around the back of its skull. The tuffs of white hair are soft under his fingers.

“So you do want it?” She asks, amusement back in her voice.

Ichigo can’t say anything. He doesn’t know what’s going on anymore. All the answers are right in front of him but he _can’t_ put all the pieces together.

She rises and before Ichigo can step away, catches his chin in steel fingers. Ichigo tries to jerk back but can’t. He freezes, the fear of being helpless creeping up his spine. He looks around for a way to escape, his eyes catching on Chiyoko’s feet. Where her feet should be. Countless spindly arms disappear into the utter darkness of the well. Ichigo swallows thickly, eyes focusing back on the yokai’s mask.

“What a handsome face, and your other one?” Her hand moves before he can stop it and just – slides his mask to the side. Heart beating fast he reaches up with his free hand to grab it before it slips off. It doesn’t, it rests pressed to the side of his head as attached to him as always. Chiyoko chuckles at him.

“Did you think it would fall off? Even if it did, you can put it back on. It’s your face.” She still has his chin in her fingers, and Ichigo feels suddenly exposed. The dim half-light of the forest is too bright, the air on his face too cold. Yellow eyes watch him for a moment longer before letting him go. Ichigo stumbles back, heart beating fast.

“You grew up into a fine young man. I’m proud. Masaki would be too.” Chiyoko declares even as Ichigo retreats further.

His eyes catch on the rhyme engraved on the stone as he staggers back.

_“Endless potential in your hands not mine”_

Ichigo can barely hear her next words past the blood pounding in his ears.

“You should have this, technicalities being what they are.” Chiyoko calls after him. Ichigo catches the glinting silver object on reflex. Doesn’t pause to look at what it is.

Ichigo runs.

From Chiyoko, from the realizations he can’t accept, from the reason why- _why why why_ it was always him. Why he was always the freak. The abomination.

The jutting points of metal dig into his palm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. The plot twist, the do or die moment of this story lol I am def excited to see what you guys think. I didn't spell everything out, and part of that is because I don't want to have a huge exposition and info dump, and part of it is because Ichigo himself hasn't accepted everything, he's def in a sort of denial, and the next part of the story is going to be focusing on him coming to accept those strange and monstrous parts of himself. Also, not to imply anythign lol but the only think I could think of when I was writing this chapter was the 'did you fuck my mom Santa Claus?' meme lolol
> 
> This chapter is really short but I wanted the encounter to be encapsulated by itself to accentuate it. The next chapter is really short too but I have most of it done, everything for the second half of the story isn't written at all and with school it will prob take a while for me to update. I am so excited for it tho!
> 
> Thank you to everyone that has left kudos and comments! Your support is what has gotten me this far and I can't wait to see what you think of the rest of the story!


	15. Lost Confused A Lot Afraid

Ichigo is standing in front of the Torri before he knows it, one more step and the bright light of Tianhei washes over him. Jerking back in surprise he reaches for his face only to find that it’s still half uncovered. Shoving his mask back in place feels like popping a joint back into place. His shihakusho replaces his half-undressed state, but doesn’t do anything to calm his frantic mind.

He can’t go home, the plus soul is still a warm pleasantness in his stomach, and Chiyoko’s words are a fresh chill in his heart. He can only go forward.

Retreat and you will age, hesitate and you will die.

Unyielding metal digs into his hand. He doesn’t need to uncurl his fingers and count to feel the five points of the cross. The limp doll is limp where he has it cradled against his chest.

The streets of Tianhei are as lively as ever, even more so with the festival coming up. One step after another and no one looks at him differently, no one can see what a monster he is.

He can’t think about it.

The entrance to the rink looks too much like a sanctuary.

Laoban is watching the current fight and Ichigo goes over to him.

“I’m up next. I’m going to fight everyone here.“ Ichigo doesn’t wait for Laoban to answer, just goes strips down, shoving the disgusting little doll and his clothes into the locker. Staunchly does not look at the little trinket Chiyoko had thrown him, just slips it over his head and walks over to his usual side of the arena and waits.

The fight ends, the next starts.

Ichigo walks into the arena, another yokai a half step behind him.

“Hey cunt you’re not up.” It says. Ichigo reaches out, grabs the yokai and bodily shoves it to the other side of the arena. The two yokai face him, one pissed and the other confused.

“Fuck’n come on.” Ichigo snarls at them. Their eyes narrow, glancing at each other and seeming to come to an understanding. Good. The announcer spouts his bullshit, and finally _finally_ -

The bell rings and Ichigo doesn’t have to think at all.

Ichigo doesn’t know if it’s a hard fight. Doesn’t know if the one after it is hard either, or the one after that. Ichigo just knows if they move that way, he goes this way. If they hit him, he hits back. If they have an opening, Ichigo uses it.

“Someone go find Toda for fuck’s sake!” someone snarls from the sidelines.

If Ichigo hurts them, that’s their fault. Like it’s Ichigo’s if they hurt him. Ichigo doesn’t pay attention to how many different fights there are, just takes note when the same yokai comes up again so he can take advantages of the mistakes he’d already noticed. It just hurts and hurts and hurts and he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s getting hit or if his soul is just falling the rest of the way apart.

The bell rings.

Toda doesn’t bother trying to talk, and this time Ichigo isn’t fast enough to avoid the swipe at his face. His mask goes flying.

Everything is too bright, too loud, _too much_. Ichigo coves his face. He doesn’t want anyone to see him. He just wants to disappear.

The bell rings one more time.

Hands pulling him up from where he fell. Pushing him until the light dims again. He stumbles, and instead of letting him fall, Toda just scoops him up, one arm under his knees and the other across his back, and keeps walking. Ichigo doesn’t fight, he can’t bring himself to pull his hands away from his face. He’s just so fucking _ashamed_.

About what he did to that plus soul, of what a real monster he actually is.

The key to his locker is taken off his hakama, all his belongings set in his middle. Ichigo feels the strange weight of that damn fucking doll and hates it with everything he has inside of him. The necklace is like a nose around his neck. He doesn’t move. Then brief words and a heavy bag of coins are set in his lap too. Ichigo is doing everything he can not to think. Toda is taking him somewhere, the noise dims to a distant mutter and the light stops stinging through his fingers.

Toda slides a door open and steps them over a threshold, the motion jarring Ichigo enough that he has to grab at the items resting on his middle to keep them from falling. He catches a glimpse of the same little room they had been in that morning. Ichigo squeezes his eyes shut again.

Toda steps on something and then hoists him up to the higher of the two cots, catching everything that tries to fall out of Ichigo’s arms. He takes Ichigo’s shoes and tosses them on the floor, takes the bag of money and shoves it under the thin pillow. Toda then shakes out Ichigo’s haori and drapes it over him like a blanket. That only leaves the doll laying strangely in Ichigo’s one armed embrace. On instinct he pulls the thing closer, other hand still covering his face.

Toda pats his shoulder.

“Sleep this off so I can beat your ass tomorrow.” The yokai teases softly.

Ichigo can’t make his mouth work enough to respond. Can’t do anything as Toda steps down again and leaves, sliding the door shut and plunging the small space into blessed darkness. The air is too cold on his face and he pulls haori up higher, curling in on himself. He’s so _cold_. It sinks into his bones and aches. The shivers running through him do nothing but make him even more exhausted. Unable to do anything else he pulls the doll closer, wrapping both arms around it and hiding his face in its hair. An empty substitution for the yawning pit in his heart. His eyes burn but he can’t cry.

Can’t do anything but lay there shivering and hope everything _stops_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit guys I'm so sorry this took so long! I had it written but didn't like some parts of it so I was going to go back and rework it but that didn't work out either! I figured I might as well post what I had even if I didn't like it as much and let you guys know this isn't abandoned lol
> 
> My graduate classes suck. Like I legit am not doing another semester of this but I have to power through till the end and that's one of the reasons the updates haven't been happening even though I have a ton written lol I'm going to cut my losses and do something else, prob try for law school
> 
> On that same note, thank you to everyone that has left a comment! I haven't read them yet but I going to try and get to them soon! Your support really motivates me to keep chipping away at this! Once classes are over I will def post more!


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